Joanne and Jack

The Global Financial Crisis was biting hard at the business where Mr. Smith was the proud president. He was going to have to start laying off some of his staff. He called in the vice-president Dave, to his office to discuss where the cuts could be made. After a long discussion it was decided that they could manage a while longer if they lost just one of the staff. Either Jack or Joanne will have to go"
Dave frowned, " But Joanne is my best worker, and Jack has a wife and three kids.How can I choose which to fire." Dave decided that he would wait til the morning and decide then. Perhaps the decision would be easier then.
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.
Joanne was the first to clock on and Dave took her aside ,
"Joanne, I'm sorry, I've got a problem. You know we have been struggling with reduced sales recently, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
Joanne replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

LEAVING EARLY

LEAVING EARLY
A Redhead, a Brunette, and a Blonde work together in an office with an attractive female boss.
They notice the boss leaves early every day, Sometimes as early as lunch time and does not return til the next morning.
They get together and decide they can make the most of this, Just wait til she leaves and they can take the rest of the day off. The boss will never know will she. After all, she had never phoned in, or returned once she left. How would she know they went home early?
They decide that just in case something should go wrong they will try out their plan one at a time.
The Brunette gets to go first and she has a great afernoon at the park with her kids and an early night.
The Redhead was next. She went shopping in town and then organised a trip to the theatre with her partner.
Finally it was the Blondes turn. She decided to go home early and surprise her husband with his favourite home cooked meal. She gathered the groceries and hurried home to slip into something more comfortable but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was horrified to see her husband in bed with of all people, her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, during coffee break, the Brunette and Redhead decide to leave early again and ask if the Blonde was going to go with them. "No way," the Blonde rlies. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Rubber Factory

George is looking for a new job and he applies at the local rubber and latex product manufacturing plant. The boss thinks he may be suitable and takes him on a tour of the huge factory
The first machine he is shown manufactures rubber gloves. As each glove is created there is a loud high pitched Hisssss, Hisssss, Hisssss, sound.
George asks about this and is told it is the latex injection process that uses compresssed air to create the thin layer of latex within the mold
The next machine is making thousands of baby-bottle nipples. This machine makes a rapid Hiss-Pop, Hiss-Pop, Hiss-Pop, noise.
"As before, the hiss is the latex being injected into the mold," explains the guide.
"The popping sound that follows is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
They wander past many more machines, each with its own unique sound and the guide explains the processes used that make the item, and the noises.
Finally they reach the machine where condoms are manufactured.
The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!
George frowns. "I understand about the hiss, hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?"
"Oh, that's like the nipple machine," says the boss. "It makes a tiny hole in every fourth condom."
George is horrified.. "I can't see how that can be good for the condom!"
The boss smiles and replies "We know that, but it keep up our business for the baby-bottle nipple machine"

Joanne and Jack

The Global Financial Crisis was biting hard at the business where Mr. Smith was the proud president. He was going to have to start laying off some of his staff. He called in the vice-president Dave, to his office to discuss where the cuts could be made. After a long discussion it was decided that they could manage a while longer if they lost just one of the staff. Either Jack or Joanne will have to go"
Dave frowned, " But Joanne is my best worker, and Jack has a wife and three kids.How can I choose which to fire." Dave decided that he would wait til the morning and decide then. Perhaps the decision would be easier then.
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.
Joanne was the first to clock on and Dave took her aside ,
"Joanne, I'm sorry, I've got a problem. You know we have been struggling with reduced sales recently, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
Joanne replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

YOUR HAIR SMELLS GOOD

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells good.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer!

The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and say's what's wrong with the co-worker telling you that your hair smells nice.

The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

Murphy, the engineer

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin.

An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Murphy and said.

Manager: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job”

Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”

Manager: “We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”

Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

Manager: “Simple, the American put down on question #5, “I don’t know.”, You put down “Neither do I.”

Job Application (mayor of Sugarsweetlime)

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Office Party (Mayor of Ramadi Heights)

John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'

'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'

'He's an idiot,' John said. 'Piss on him.'

'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'

'Well, screw him!' said John.

'I did. You're back to work on Monday.'

Great job ** X Rated **

The business trip was nearing the end and he decided to have a look around the city.
He had heard about the sights Sydney had to offer, but that was not quite what he was looking for this particular evening.
He had seen the amazing Opera House, and walked over the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
Tonight he was heading for "The Cross".
It didn't take long and he found what a wanted. Nice slim, long legged hooker.
"How much for a hand job?" he asks
"100 Bucks" relies the hooker with a gorgeous smile.
"WHAT!! 100 Bucks?? That's a lot of money"
The hooker smiled again "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs. I guarantee it'll be the best you've had."
He had made some pretty good sales this trip so gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.
The next day he finds her and asks "How much for a head job?"
"200 dollars" and again that smile. The smile alone makes his knees weak.
"200 dollars?? That's a lot of money"
She pointed down to the pier and said "See that yacht? I paid for that by giving head jobs."
Same deal. He gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life.
On hist last day in town he again goes to The Cross and finds the hooker in the same place. "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."
"10,000 dollars'
"10,000 dollars?? Now that's just too much."
This time she laughed, and pointed into the harbour "You see that island"
This time he is gob smacked.. YEAH he says.
"Well I got my eye on that Island, but first I need $10,000 to get me a pussy."

Sliced Pickle

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh . . . she got fired too."

Tickle Me Elmo

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory the personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 a.m.

The next day at 8:45 a.m., there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Hiss-plop, hiss-plop,

Shortly after being hired, a new shift manager was being shown around the state -of-the art factory.
The major business was production and supply of various "medical quality" latex products.
The company had a reputation for using the latest cutting edge technology.

The first area they viewed made latex gloves, like those worn by surgeons. The machinery made a curious "hiss-plop, hiss-plop, hiss-plop" sound.
The employee asked about the strange sound and was told by the guide that, "as the rubber rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise.” The plop is the sound as the completed glove falls onto the conveyor belt prior to packaging.

The next area is making baby bottle teats. Here the machine makes a loud “hiss-pop-plop, hiss-pop-plop, hiss-pop-plop, ” noise, and the shift manager asks his tour guide what it’s doing. “The popping sound is from needle making the tiny hole in the nipple.”

On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a “hiss-plop,. hiss-plop,. hiss-plop,. hiss-pop-plop,” sound during the manufacturing process. “Wait a second,” the future shift manager says, “I know what the hiss-plop, hiss-plop, is… but what’s with the ‘pop’ noise every once in a while?”

“Oh, that hehe. It’s the same as the baby bottle nipple process.” says the guide… “It pokes a hole in the occasional condom.”

“But that can’t be good for the condoms!” the horrified new emloyee commented.

“Nah, but it’s really good for the baby bottle nipple business!”

Work Wanted

A bloke goes into the employment office in Brisbane for a look through the job vacancies, which doesn't take him very long, of course.

Just as he's about to give up and go away, he spots something.

"Wanted", it says. "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $1,500 a week guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so the bloke makes a note of the reference number and fronts up at the counter.

"I'd like to apply for this job", he says, "reference number E/784/B46-OP17372D2."

Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in Brisbane.
They're looking for a pubic hair snipper.
You see, they supply girls who model underwear and bathers, and before they go on the catwalk they report to you and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing.
It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks.
It involves quite a lot of travel - The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London, that sort of thing,
and you have to get used to living in first-class hotels........"

"I reckon I could learn to live with it," says the bloke. "I'd really like to apply for the job."

The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Hervey Bay".

"Hervey Bay?" exclaims the bloke. "Hervey-Bloody-Bay?
What do I wanna go to Hervey Bay for?"

"Well", says the clerk, "that's where the end of the queue is at the moment."

Me first...

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Time to buy lunch from the deli??

Three depressed bricklayers, one English, one Scottish and one Irish -
were having lunch at the top of some scaffolding one day when the klaxon sounded to indicate lunchtime.

The English bricklayer opened his lunch box and discovered, much to his dismay, that he had spam sandwiches for lunch.

"Not spam again, I hate it. If I get spam sandwiches again tomorrow I swear I shall leap off the scaffolding and kill myself", he exclaimed.

"Count yourself lucky", replied the Scottish bricklayer, "I've got cheese sandwiches and I hate those.
I'll be jumping off with you if I get them again".

"Me too", said the Irishman, "I've got tuna and I really don't like fish.
If I have tuna again tomorrow I'll be following the pair of you."

The next day came around and the English bricklayer duly opened up his lunchbox to again see the dreaded spam sandwiches.

"Right, I'm serious," he announced, "this is the very last straw", and with that he threw himself off the scaffolding and plummeted to his death on the concrete below.

Next, the Scottish bricklayer opened his box to find it contained cheese sandwiches. The Scot was as good as his word and flung himself off the scaffolding to his death.

Finally, the Irish bricklayer discovered tuna sandwiches in his lunchbox, and he too leapt to his death on the pavement below.

The three funerals were held together a few days later, and the three widows got talking to each other.

"I wish my husband had talked to me about the situation, I'd have packed him something else if I realised he hated spam that much," said the widow of the English bricklayer.

"Yes, I'm amazed my husband didn't talk to me either.

I thought he liked cheese sandwiches when he actually hated them so much he was prepared to kill himself", replied the Scottish widow.

There was a pause and the two women looked towards the widow of the Irish bricklayer.

"Well, I don't understand it at all," the Irish widow chipped in, "My husband always packed his own lunch."

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section.

Purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

✰♥✰ Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized ".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,

"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer Quality Control Department at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER,

THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE A$$ THAN YOURS!

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought..
Well, that's marriage for you,

But the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said,
'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bed room and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked.

The bells, The bells..

BELLS
~~~~
One day a strange man with no arms showed up at a secluded monastery, asking if there was any work.
The monk thought for a while, then asked if he could perhaps ring the bell in the tower by running into it with his head.
The man with no arms thought he could manage that and started his new career.

For several days, the man happily climbed the steep stairs rang the bell with his head.
Then one day he slipped, missed the bell, and fell off the tower, plunging to his death.
The local constable showed up and asked the monk if he knew the man.
The monk said "No, but his face rings a bell."

BELLS Part 2:

Same monastery, few months later.
A second strange man with no arms shows up and says he heard the monastery had a job for a guy with no arms (and an opening).
The monk explained the situation and the job requirements (and the rather high risk factor of the work) carefully and the man took the job.
The new applicant managed to happily ring the bell for several days before he also slipped and plunged to his death.
The constable showed up and once again asked if the monk knew the man.
The monk said "No, but he's a dead ringer for the last guy."