THE GAMBLER
George regularly went to Vegas for a gambling weekend. He was a lucky guy and usually went home a bit ahead. BUT this time the dice were against him.
He lost everything, and after the last roll of the dice all he had left were the clothes he was wearing and his return ticket home But how to get to the airport?
Out front of the casino was a lone cab waiting. He climbed in the back and asked for the charge to get to the airport. He then explained his situation to the cabbie but nothing he said worked.
He had nothing the cabbie wanted that he could use as security toward the $15.00 charge.
The cabby was adamant. "No payment.. in advance. No ride to the airport.. Get the hell out of the cab".
Poor George. He had no choice but to walk / hitch to the airport, Barely arriving in time to get his flight home
A few weeks later George had enough put away to return to Vegas to see if his luck was back and this time he won big.
Feeling on top of the world, George shoved his winnings in his pocket and headed out to the cab stand.
You guessed it. There he was. The same driver that had given him such a hard time. Parked at the end of the row of cabs.
Now George had not forgiven the cabbie for being so uncharitable. But how could he get back at him.
He thought about it a while then had an idea.
George climbed into the cab at the front of the line, Asked "How much to the airport?" "$15.00" was the reply Then he asked, "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?" This got an immediate response. "What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
George then continued this performance along the complete row of waiting cabs.
BUT.. On getting to the final cab owned by his 'mate' He just asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The bored cabby replied "$15 bucks." The businessman agreed and off they went.
As they drove slowly past the long line of still waiting cabs George grinned and gave a thumbs up sign to each driver.
Showing posts with label Drunk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Drunk. Show all posts
Friday, March 4, 2011
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Bikie Tolerance
The old fellow is looking like he has a few too many already when he staggers into the biker pub in the town. This is one tough pub and most people cross the road to avoid it.
He wobbles to the bar and orders a beer, sits at the nearest table, then gazes around the room.
His bleary eyes settle on a table in the corner. Seated around it are three men.
He gets to his feet and staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.
He wobbles to the bar and orders a beer, sits at the nearest table, then gazes around the room.
His bleary eyes settle on a table in the corner. Seated around it are three men.
He gets to his feet and staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Closing Time
A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."
"No, a straw," says the Tramp.
The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.
To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Free Beer
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a 3 metre 'croc out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm.
You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a 3 metre 'croc out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm.
You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Lost Baptist (Mayor of Jotown)
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol. Where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk tells , "No, I haven't found Jesus".
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,! "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol. Where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk tells , "No, I haven't found Jesus".
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again,! "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Irish Driver
Paddy was driving home from the pub one night.
All of a sudden he sees a tree in the middle of the road.
Swerving to miss it, he sees another tree.
He swerves to miss that one as well.
All of a sudden, there's another tree.
Then another, and another.
Each time Paddy swerves and misses the tree.
A copper sees Paddy swerving all over the road and pulls him over.
Damn Paddy, the copper says, are you drunk.
So Padd proceeds to tell the copper about the trees in the middle of the road.
For f***s sake Paddy, the copper says.
Thats your air freshener.
All of a sudden he sees a tree in the middle of the road.
Swerving to miss it, he sees another tree.
He swerves to miss that one as well.
All of a sudden, there's another tree.
Then another, and another.
Each time Paddy swerves and misses the tree.
A copper sees Paddy swerving all over the road and pulls him over.
Damn Paddy, the copper says, are you drunk.
So Padd proceeds to tell the copper about the trees in the middle of the road.
For f***s sake Paddy, the copper says.
Thats your air freshener.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Buy the lady a drink (Mayor of Putridville)
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar in San Diego. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk Gunny Sergeant slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again the same Marine slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the Marine and said, "I say, old chap, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The Gunny replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk Gunny Sergeant slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again the same Marine slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the Marine and said, "I say, old chap, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The Gunny replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
Arthritis (mayor of Jotown)
A man who smelled like a distillery, flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be damned...!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope does."
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be damned...!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Friday, May 1, 2009
Talking Australian clock (mayor of Pie Corner)
The big maori was proudly showing off his new apartment to some friends after a hard night out drinking.
He had a few too many drinks, and was getting pretty vocal.
They reached the bedroom where the friends were surprised to see a huge gong hanging next to the bed.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' the maori replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
He had a few too many drinks, and was getting pretty vocal.
They reached the bedroom where the friends were surprised to see a huge gong hanging next to the bed.
'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.
'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' the maori replied.
'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'
'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'
'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.
'Just watch' he said.
He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.
His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.
Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
The right house
It's late at night.
It's raining hard and not looking like it will stop soon.
The squad car is warm and comfortable.
Two police officers see an elderly woman staggering down the street.
They stop, and can quickly tell that she has had far too much to drink.
Rather than taking her to jail they decide to just give her a lift home.
With some difficulty they load her into the car and one of the officers gets in the back with the her.
They drive through the streets and keep asking the woman where she lives.
Every time she just reached across, stroked the officers arm and said "Your Passionate".
They keep trying but receive the same response. "Your Passionate".
The officers were getting a little upset, they have to get back to work, and realise they may have to take her back to the station to sleep it off after all.
They stopped the car and try to reason with the woman, "Look we have driven around for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live".
She looked them in the eye. I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"
It's raining hard and not looking like it will stop soon.
The squad car is warm and comfortable.
Two police officers see an elderly woman staggering down the street.
They stop, and can quickly tell that she has had far too much to drink.
Rather than taking her to jail they decide to just give her a lift home.
With some difficulty they load her into the car and one of the officers gets in the back with the her.
They drive through the streets and keep asking the woman where she lives.
Every time she just reached across, stroked the officers arm and said "Your Passionate".
They keep trying but receive the same response. "Your Passionate".
The officers were getting a little upset, they have to get back to work, and realise they may have to take her back to the station to sleep it off after all.
They stopped the car and try to reason with the woman, "Look we have driven around for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live".
She looked them in the eye. I keep trying to tell you: "Your Passin It!"
Thursday, April 9, 2009
The Good Husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time ...
"Priceless!"
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time ...
"Priceless!"
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Mountain Men (courtesy mayor of Camorr)
A big-city businessman has had enough of the rat race, so he moves to an isolated cabin deep in the woods.
He's been there a few days when there's a knock on his door. There stands a grizzled old mountain man.
"I live over that mountain. I come to invite ya to a party," says the old man.
"Well this is a surprise," the man says. "I didn't even know I had any neighbors. I'd love to go to the party. Thanks for inviting me!"
The old man turns to walk away, then turns back. "I guess I should warn ya. There's gonna be drinkin'."
"Well, I can certainly hold my liquor. No problem there."
"And I guess I oughta let you know, there's gonna be fightin'."
"I never go looking for trouble, but I think I can handle myself."
"And you should know there's gonna be lovin'."
"Hmm. Well, I have been getting lonely out here, so I think I can handle that too!"
The old man once again turns to walk away. The man in the cabin calls out, "Wait! Should I bring anything?"
"Bring anything you want. Just gonna be you and me."
He's been there a few days when there's a knock on his door. There stands a grizzled old mountain man.
"I live over that mountain. I come to invite ya to a party," says the old man.
"Well this is a surprise," the man says. "I didn't even know I had any neighbors. I'd love to go to the party. Thanks for inviting me!"
The old man turns to walk away, then turns back. "I guess I should warn ya. There's gonna be drinkin'."
"Well, I can certainly hold my liquor. No problem there."
"And I guess I oughta let you know, there's gonna be fightin'."
"I never go looking for trouble, but I think I can handle myself."
"And you should know there's gonna be lovin'."
"Hmm. Well, I have been getting lonely out here, so I think I can handle that too!"
The old man once again turns to walk away. The man in the cabin calls out, "Wait! Should I bring anything?"
"Bring anything you want. Just gonna be you and me."
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