Country Cornwall

An American tourist is on holiday in a tiny Cornish village.
One morning, while out for a walk, he spots the village idiot sitting next to the horse trough.
In his hand is a dry old stick. Tied to the end of the stick is a daggy bit of string. The string is dangling in the murky water.
The American decides to have a bit of a laugh at the poor fellows expense, and asks: "Have you caught anything yet?"
The village idiot slowly lifts his head. He then looks carefully at the stranger, before replying: "Aye, you be the seventh today."

Little Doggie (mayor of Jotown)

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little Dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, it seems you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

English, Irish, Scotts. (mayor of Angelshood)

There's an Englishman an Irishman and a scottsman all in a hot air balloon.
The scottsman dropped a one pound coin and goes down after it.
When he gets there he finds a boy crying.
He asks, "Why Are You Crying?" and
The boy replies, "Because A One Pound Coin Hit Me On The Head."
The Irishman then drops a two pound coin and goes down after it.
When he does he sees a little girl crying.
He says,"Why Are You Crying?" and
The girl says, Because A Two Pound Coin Hit Me On The Head.
The English man dropped a bomb and he goes down after it, but, this time, he finds a boy LAUGHING.
he asks, "What happened, Why Are You Laughing?" and
the boy replies, "My Daddy Farted And The House Behind Him Blew Up!!"

Time to buy lunch from the deli??

Three depressed bricklayers, one English, one Scottish and one Irish -
were having lunch at the top of some scaffolding one day when the klaxon sounded to indicate lunchtime.

The English bricklayer opened his lunch box and discovered, much to his dismay, that he had spam sandwiches for lunch.

"Not spam again, I hate it. If I get spam sandwiches again tomorrow I swear I shall leap off the scaffolding and kill myself", he exclaimed.

"Count yourself lucky", replied the Scottish bricklayer, "I've got cheese sandwiches and I hate those.
I'll be jumping off with you if I get them again".

"Me too", said the Irishman, "I've got tuna and I really don't like fish.
If I have tuna again tomorrow I'll be following the pair of you."

The next day came around and the English bricklayer duly opened up his lunchbox to again see the dreaded spam sandwiches.

"Right, I'm serious," he announced, "this is the very last straw", and with that he threw himself off the scaffolding and plummeted to his death on the concrete below.

Next, the Scottish bricklayer opened his box to find it contained cheese sandwiches. The Scot was as good as his word and flung himself off the scaffolding to his death.

Finally, the Irish bricklayer discovered tuna sandwiches in his lunchbox, and he too leapt to his death on the pavement below.

The three funerals were held together a few days later, and the three widows got talking to each other.

"I wish my husband had talked to me about the situation, I'd have packed him something else if I realised he hated spam that much," said the widow of the English bricklayer.

"Yes, I'm amazed my husband didn't talk to me either.

I thought he liked cheese sandwiches when he actually hated them so much he was prepared to kill himself", replied the Scottish widow.

There was a pause and the two women looked towards the widow of the Irish bricklayer.

"Well, I don't understand it at all," the Irish widow chipped in, "My husband always packed his own lunch."

Diets and Dying

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than British, Australians or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.