Monica in Hell

Bill Clinton dies and, as can be expected is sent to Hell
He is warmly greeted by the Devil who offers him the choice of three tortures for the rest of eternity.
They reach the first room where Bill is shown a writhing body hanging from the ceiling. A bonfire is burning below being tended by playful imps.
"Uurghh " says Bill. " I don't think so"
The next room has a man chained to a bench with more imps brandishing hot irons and whips.
"Nooooh." says Bill. "Not my scene"
The next room has a naked man chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees in front of him. "Hmmm, That's more like it. I'll take this one."
The Devil smiles, "Good. Hey Monica, you've been replaced."

THIS IS GOVERNMENT

REAL LIFE VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

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GOVERNMENT VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Government, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain 's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

Puppies

One day a teacher announced to her 1st grade class that a Liberal senator was coming in three weeks.
"Is there anything you all want to tell him?"
One little girl raised her hand.
"Yes, Susie?"
"Well, my dog just had puppies and they are ALL Liberals."
"Wonderful!" Said the teacher.
So finally he came and the teacher said "Susie, what did you want to tell the senator?"

"Well, my dog had puppies three weeks ago."
"And what are they?"
"They're ALL Labor supporters!"
"Susie, you told me they were all Liberals."
"Yes, well, that was three weeks ago. They have their eyes open now."

Clinton v Hussein

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for talks on sanctions. When Bill sits down he notices Saddam's chair has three buttons on the armrest. They begin talking but after 5 minutes Saddam presses a button and a boxing glove pops out of
Clinton's chair and bashes him on his face.

Clinton, barely believing it, carries on talking, but after another few minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the groin. Clinton is pissed off but still remains outwardly calm.

They resume the talks, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, right in the groin. Clinton is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave.

"We'll continue this talk next week in the White House" says the President.
Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment stands. A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton's chair.
As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen.

This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing...really loudly. After this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Saddam reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Clinton falls out of his chair laughing. Saddam doesn't get it--what the hell is happening here?
But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further.

After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad" (Through tears of laughter from the floor): "Baghdad?...What fucking Baghdad?"

Tragedy

Alexander Downer (Aussie politician) was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Downer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the seasoned politician asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Alexander - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Alexander - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Alexander searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Suzy raised her hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr John Howard was struck by a friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Alexander Downer. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Suzy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*kc1ng accident either!

Nice Pigs (mayor of Ramadi Heights)

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the
White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says:

"Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs...these are authentic Arkansas
Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got
one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says,

"Excellent trade, sir."

Clocks in Heaven (Mayor of Jotown)

Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

When I grow Up (mayor of Michaela Ville)

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when
she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I
asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you
would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless
people.'

Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait
until you're President to do that. You can come over to my
house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my walk, and I'll pay
you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy
hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new
house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight
in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do
the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

stereotyping (mayor of Jotown)

Just a little stereotyping for you.....

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap
with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least you
are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.