THE HAIRDRESSER'S WARNING...

THE HAIRDRESSER'S WARNING...
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome ... So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further.. I know that place.
Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman returned to the salon and waited quietly in reading until the hairdresser approached and asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class... The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the F#@% did your hair?"

Coffee

Suzie is blonde and she is soo pleased she finally found a nice job in an office with some nice people.
Much better than the checkout chick job and the Maccas burger girl job..
The boss said she had to start at the bottom and work her way up.
Cleaner, gofer and general jobber to begin with.
Suzie was ok with that and was determined to make a good impression.
She did a great job in the morning and swept the floors and dusted the desks,
She even cleaned the bosses office.
The next task was to go to the nearby cafe for coffee.
Suzie went downstairs and straight to the coffee shop.
She didn't even glance into the shoe store or at the gorgeous red dress in the shop window.
Well maybe a glance, but she kept on walking..
She really wanted to get it right on her first day at this job.
She stoood patiently at the counter with her Thermos until the waiter finished with the people in front.
Then she help up the Thermos and asked if it was big enough for 6 cups of coffee.
The waiter checked the size on the bottom and agreed it was big enough.
Suzie was delighted.. "Great" she said. Can I have Two Cappuccinos, Two Short Black and Two Lattes.

LEAVING EARLY

LEAVING EARLY
A Redhead, a Brunette, and a Blonde work together in an office with an attractive female boss.
They notice the boss leaves early every day, Sometimes as early as lunch time and does not return til the next morning.
They get together and decide they can make the most of this, Just wait til she leaves and they can take the rest of the day off. The boss will never know will she. After all, she had never phoned in, or returned once she left. How would she know they went home early?
They decide that just in case something should go wrong they will try out their plan one at a time.
The Brunette gets to go first and she has a great afernoon at the park with her kids and an early night.
The Redhead was next. She went shopping in town and then organised a trip to the theatre with her partner.
Finally it was the Blondes turn. She decided to go home early and surprise her husband with his favourite home cooked meal. She gathered the groceries and hurried home to slip into something more comfortable but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was horrified to see her husband in bed with of all people, her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, during coffee break, the Brunette and Redhead decide to leave early again and ask if the Blonde was going to go with them. "No way," the Blonde rlies. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

ENTERTAINING THE BUTLER

Cindy and Bob have arranged a big night out with a few of Bob's work mates and their wives. They were not expecting to return home til the early hours of the morning
As a special treat the decide to give their butler, Gareth, the night off as well
Cindy explained that as they would not be requiring his services he should go out as well and enjoy himself After a few hours at the party Cindy was finding the company to be rather boring. The wives were all gossiping about people she didn't know and the men were talking about fishing.
Trying to avoid affending anyone, Cindy explained she had a headache and caught a taxi home, leaving Bob with his mates.
Arriving home Cindy was surprised to find Gareth in their entertainment room, Glass of red in hand, remains of a pizza on the floor beside the lounge and his feet on their expensive coffee table watching a movie.
Cindyy smiled to herself, Beckoned to Gareth, and walked toward the master bedroom.
She waited at the door til he was in the room and then, in a commanding voice ordered...
"Gareth, I want you to take off my dress." He nervously did as he was told and once it was off he carefully placed it on the back of a nearby chair. Cindy was pleased with how well this was going.
"Gareth, now you can take off my stockings and garter belt." With shaking fingers Gareth silently obeyed.
Cindy was impressed how controlled her voice sounded. She was enjoying this.
"Now, Gareth... I want you to remove my bra and panties." Very shyly, he obeyed.
Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them.
Cindy then looked sternly at him and said, "Gareth, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"

MUD CRABS

A bloke got on the plane in Darwin with a box of mud crabs.
He approached a female crew member with the request to keep it cold, so she took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in Sydney, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Darwin, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them herself !

Anything for love

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.
However, she remembers what her boss told her,...don't reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions.
First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
"The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man,
"I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea.
A sure-to-work condition.
She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,
"Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.
"The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

Women and ATM's (Mayor of Erlenweg)

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Installing a husband (Mayor of Erlenweg)

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate


DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck !

Tech Support

beat that (Mayor of Jotown)

Four ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, ‘My God...’."

Women Only (Mayor of Sugarsweetlime)

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Carmen (mayor of Pie Corner)

The buxom blonde scanned the guests at a party until she noticed an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him shyly and said. "Hello,  My name is Carmen," .
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, and thinking he might have a chance here.  "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.  What's your name?" she asked.
He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf."

Why women shouldn't take men shopping!!!!!!!

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:


Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store.
We can no longer tolerate this kind of behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1) June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2) July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3) July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4) July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5) August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6) August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7) August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other men he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8) August 23: When a clerk asked if he could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9) September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10) September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11) October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12) October 6: In the auto department,he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13) October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, He yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14) October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least,

15) October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
Tom Richards
Walmart Manager

Blokes!!!!!

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.
He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'
'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.
I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman.
'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.
I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually,
'It's not much but I call it home.
Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.
'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman.
'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,
'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism..
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you
really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ..
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
'Bloody hell (he really uses the other word) , don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'