The Faith Healer

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But it seems to be impossible. '
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

Monica in Hell

Bill Clinton dies and, as can be expected is sent to Hell
He is warmly greeted by the Devil who offers him the choice of three tortures for the rest of eternity.
They reach the first room where Bill is shown a writhing body hanging from the ceiling. A bonfire is burning below being tended by playful imps.
"Uurghh " says Bill. " I don't think so"
The next room has a man chained to a bench with more imps brandishing hot irons and whips.
"Nooooh." says Bill. "Not my scene"
The next room has a naked man chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees in front of him. "Hmmm, That's more like it. I'll take this one."
The Devil smiles, "Good. Hey Monica, you've been replaced."

SLEEPING PILLS

After her usual checkup, Ethel asked her doctor if she could have a prescription for birth control pills.
"Whaatt..." Stuttered the stunned doctor. "Your husband passed away last year.. And at sevent five years of age, you don't need to be taking birth control pills. Tell me.. What possible reason do you have?".
"I'm sure they would help me sleep." said Ethel
This really got the doctor thinking. Poor Ethel, She must be losing it.
"Now Ethel, Tell me how you think that birth control pills could possibly help you sleep?"
"Well, you see I got really lonely after George passed on, so my grand-daughter came to stay with me. And if I could slip one in her orange juice each morning I am sure I would sleep better at night."

Always tell the truth (Mayor of Gizmos Furry Butt)

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.

There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."

He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

Sunday Evangelists

Bert and Ethel were spending a quiet Sunday at home watching telly. The footy had finished and neither could be bothered changing the channel when the latest TV Evangelist Show came on.
Bert wasn't into this stuff, but Ethel was soon entranced by the preacher and his slick words.
When he instructed those who wanted healing to touch the screen with one hand and the injured part with the other hand while he prayed, Ethel hobbled to the television, and placed one hand on the screen and the other on her arthritic knees.
Bert got out of his chair with an evil grin on his face, hobbled over, put one hand on the screen and the other on his crotch.
Ethel was not impressed. "Ya silly old coot" she said" "He said he could heal the sick... Not raise the dead."

Big Words for Little Johnny

As you all know, Little Johnny always manages to say or do something to embarrase his teachers or parents. If it is not his questions or answers, it is his unique way of dealing with situations.
This week at school the teacher is introducing compound and multi-syllable words to the children.
She writes several examples on the black board and then asks if they can add some of their own.
Little Susie suggests "Kan-Ga-Roo."
"Excellent", says Mrs Jones.
Little Jamie adds "Croc-O-Dile"
"Well done", says Mrs Jones.
Meanwhile Little Johnny is waving madly at the back of the class. "Pick me. I gotta good one"
Mrs Jones shudders:"Okay, Little Johnny, what word would you like to add?"
"Mas-Tur-Bate." says Little Johnny
Mrs Jones smile to herself, "Hmm, Now little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
"Nah, Mrs Jones" says Little Johnny "You're thinking of a blowjob".

Lemonade for the sinner

Betty has been feeling rather sinful of late and decides she needs to go to confession to clear the air.
She hesitantly goes into the confessional and says the usual, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
Father Joseph responds... "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
Betty lowers her head and whispers...   "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
Hmmmm, replies Father Joseph, "Return to your home immediately,  Squeeze the juice of 7 lemons into a glass.  Then drink the liquid until the glass is emptied."
Betty was not expecting this unusual response..  , "Thank you father..  Will this drink cleanse me of my sins?"
Father Joseph..., "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."

Practical Jokers

The wedding date was set and the bucks night was arrangedincluding all the usual pranks,  but Bob had three special mates who were real practical jokers.  They didn't want such a special night to go without some reminder of them.
One was a carpenter, one was an electricial and the third was a dentist.  The three of them put their heads together to decide what they could do to the newly weds on their wedding night.
The carpenter suggested sawing the slats of their bed..  That would be a "surprise".
The electricial thought that they could add a bit of "tingle" to their evening by running some wires to the springs in the mattress and connecting it to a battery hidden under the bed.
The dentist just grinned and commented that he could really make the night memorable.

Everything went as planned.  The bride looked lovely and the husband was handsome and smiling as they left the wedding reception for their honeymoon.
Several days later, the three friends received a message from the newly weds.
DEAR FRIENDS,
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A TEMPORARY SETBACK. HAVING THE BED SLATS SAWN WAS EASILY FIXED BY MOVING THE MATTRESS TO THE FLOOR.BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVACAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!"

DEAD COW

 Way out back, beyond the black stump live BillyJoe, MaryLou and their three sons, Jed, Otis and BubbaRay. Bubba has a few roos loose in the top paddock, but he's big and strong and good around the farm.
 As usual, MaryLou was out of bed first to cook breakfast for the family.  Glancing out the window she sees that Angel, their only cow is dead in the paddock. The situation looked hopeless -- how was she going to feed her family now?
Utterly depressed she went to the barn and hung herself.
 BillyJoe woke to find no food on the table, and both his wife and cow dead.  Unable to cope he went to the barn and shot himself in he head.
  Next to emerge was Jed, the eldest son. Horrified to find no breakfast, and discover his parents dead (and the cow!), he decided to drown himself. On the bank of the river he found a beautiful mermaid who said, "I see all. I know the reason for your despair. If you have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and cow to you."
 Jed agrees to try, but after three times is overcome by grief and hunger is unable to continue.
 The mermaid drowned him in the river.
  Next up was Otis. He was upset there was no food so he grabbed some bread and milk and headed out to the barn where he discovered the tradgedy, and he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid again said to him, "I see all. I know the reason for your despair. If you have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents, your brother and cow to you."
  Otis agrees to try, but after four times is overcome by grief and hunger  and is unable to continue.
 The mermaid also drowned him in the river.
   BubbaRay staggered down to the kitchen and finding the table bare cooked himself a big breakfast and headed outside.  As had been the case with the others he figures he may as well end it and heads down to the river finds the mermaid and hears the same story.
   BubbaRay replied, "Is that all? Why not ten times in a row?" (She is a good lookin' mermaid!!)
   The mermaid was somewhat taken aback.
  Then BubbaRay said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in arow?"
   "Enough!!" she said "Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then BubbaRay faltered..  He scratched his head..  He frowned..  He looked at the mermaid.. "Wait a bit..! How do I know that thirty times won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Really with it dad..

Really with it dad..
Bobby parks out front of Susies house and bounces up and knocks on the door.
Bobby is excited as this is his first date with Susie. She is one heck of a good looker and one of the cheerleaders for his team.
Bobby is a pretty cool dude himself, He is wearing his best tight pants and high necked sweater.
Answering the door is Susies dad Harold who invites Bobby in to wait while Susie finishes getting dressed.
Harold asks Bobby where they are going.
Bobby replies politely they are heading out for a soda and may see a movie or go to the dance hall.
Harold smiles, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Bobby doesn't know how to respond to this. He stammers out "pardon?
"Yeah," says Harold, "Susie just loves to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes lit up. Now he knew where they would be heading for the evening. :0P
A few minutes later, Susie comes downstairs. She looks fantastic in her mini skirt and knee high boots and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Susie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT, DADDY! CAN'T YOU GET WITH IT!! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

ITALIAN MEN

Betty is seated comfortably on the bus when two Italian men get on and sit together in the seat directly behind her.
They are talking animatedly and Betty does her best to ignore them. Their voices get louder and more insistant.
Betty is then shocked to hear.... "Emma, She come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I coma one lasta time."
This is too much for Betty to ignore. She turns to them "You foul-mouthed swine, In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down there lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sex huh? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi.'

Let's celebrate

Joe rushes into the bar and asks the bartender to pour him a whisky, and make it quick
The bartender is curious, and asks what is the hurry
Joe replies "Oh man. I just got my first blowjob"
"In that case," says the barman, "To help you celebrate I will give you a double at no extra charge."
"Na, Thanks but." says Joe. "One will do. I just need to get the taste out of my mouth"

Joanne and Jack

The Global Financial Crisis was biting hard at the business where Mr. Smith was the proud president. He was going to have to start laying off some of his staff. He called in the vice-president Dave, to his office to discuss where the cuts could be made. After a long discussion it was decided that they could manage a while longer if they lost just one of the staff. Either Jack or Joanne will have to go"
Dave frowned, " But Joanne is my best worker, and Jack has a wife and three kids.How can I choose which to fire." Dave decided that he would wait til the morning and decide then. Perhaps the decision would be easier then.
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.
Joanne was the first to clock on and Dave took her aside ,
"Joanne, I'm sorry, I've got a problem. You know we have been struggling with reduced sales recently, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
Joanne replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

ENTERTAINING THE BUTLER

Cindy and Bob have arranged a big night out with a few of Bob's work mates and their wives. They were not expecting to return home til the early hours of the morning
As a special treat the decide to give their butler, Gareth, the night off as well
Cindy explained that as they would not be requiring his services he should go out as well and enjoy himself After a few hours at the party Cindy was finding the company to be rather boring. The wives were all gossiping about people she didn't know and the men were talking about fishing.
Trying to avoid affending anyone, Cindy explained she had a headache and caught a taxi home, leaving Bob with his mates.
Arriving home Cindy was surprised to find Gareth in their entertainment room, Glass of red in hand, remains of a pizza on the floor beside the lounge and his feet on their expensive coffee table watching a movie.
Cindyy smiled to herself, Beckoned to Gareth, and walked toward the master bedroom.
She waited at the door til he was in the room and then, in a commanding voice ordered...
"Gareth, I want you to take off my dress." He nervously did as he was told and once it was off he carefully placed it on the back of a nearby chair. Cindy was pleased with how well this was going.
"Gareth, now you can take off my stockings and garter belt." With shaking fingers Gareth silently obeyed.
Cindy was impressed how controlled her voice sounded. She was enjoying this.
"Now, Gareth... I want you to remove my bra and panties." Very shyly, he obeyed.
Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them.
Cindy then looked sternly at him and said, "Gareth, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"

HERPES

HERPES
Two Jewish women, Ruth and Golda, meet for lunch at their favourite Restaurant.
Ruth has some great news she want to share. "Golda" she says. "Golda, "My boy, Irving, He is finally to be married. He tells me he has found a wonderful girl at his university, They are engaged, But... He says he is worried. He thinks she may have a disease called Herpes."
Golda shakes her head. "Oh Ruth, This may be bad.. I do not know this Herpes. Do you know it? Can perhapd Irving get it?"
"No," Ruth answers, "But I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's past time he's settled. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "Don't worry for now. Let's enjoy our food, I have a very fine medical dictionary at home. I'll look for it and call you tonight."
So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth "Ruth, Aahhh kenahora (thank goodness!), I found it. Not to worry at all! It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"

SISTERS OF MERCY

Joe is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. Joe climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" Joe answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells Joe "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." Joe gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

BILLY-JOE & MABEL

Billy -Joe and Mabel want to add a bit of excitement to their lives and when they hear about a partner swapping party they decide to give it a try.
Unfotunately, they are a bit delayed along the way and arrive late to find the only couple not already "taken" are martians'.
But.. after a bit of talking they decide they may as well make the most of it.
After afew warm up drinks they pair off and each couple head out to find a nice place to' enjoy' themselves
Mabel and Gggreepp are getting along fine 'til they get their gear off. Mabel looks down with disappointment and comments "Well that's nice but it's kinda of short aint it?"
Gggreepp just smiled and patted his head. With each pat his penis got longer.
"Wow" said Mabel, "But it's not very fat is it?"
Gggreepp just reached up and pulled his ears. This time his penis got fatter and fatter.
Mabel had herself a ball and staggered home in the morning with a big smile on her face.
Billy-Joe was waiting in the kitchen munching on toast and looking pretty pleased with himself.
"How'd it go?" asked Mabel "I really enjoyed myself, I reckon we should do it regular."
Billy -Joe smiled "Yeah, It were great,. But I jest can't figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!"

Joanne and Jack

The Global Financial Crisis was biting hard at the business where Mr. Smith was the proud president. He was going to have to start laying off some of his staff. He called in the vice-president Dave, to his office to discuss where the cuts could be made. After a long discussion it was decided that they could manage a while longer if they lost just one of the staff. Either Jack or Joanne will have to go"
Dave frowned, " But Joanne is my best worker, and Jack has a wife and three kids.How can I choose which to fire." Dave decided that he would wait til the morning and decide then. Perhaps the decision would be easier then.
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.
Joanne was the first to clock on and Dave took her aside ,
"Joanne, I'm sorry, I've got a problem. You know we have been struggling with reduced sales recently, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
Joanne replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

ENTERTAINING THE BUTLER

Cindy and Bob have arranged a big night out with a few of Bob's work mates and their wives. They were not expecting to return home til the early hours of the morning
As a special treat the decide to give their butler, Gareth, the night off as well
Cindy explained that as they would not be requiring his services he should go out as well and enjoy himself After a few hours at the party Cindy was finding the company to be rather boring. The wives were all gossiping about people she didn't know and the men were talking about fishing.
Trying to avoid affending anyone, Cindy explained she had a headache and caught a taxi home, leaving Bob with his mates.
Arriving home Cindy was surprised to find Gareth in their entertainment room, Glass of red in hand, remains of a pizza on the floor beside the lounge and his feet on their expensive coffee table watching a movie.
Cindyy smiled to herself, Beckoned to Gareth, and walked toward the master bedroom.
She waited at the door til he was in the room and then, in a commanding voice ordered...
"Gareth, I want you to take off my dress." He nervously did as he was told and once it was off he carefully placed it on the back of a nearby chair. Cindy was pleased with how well this was going.
"Gareth, now you can take off my stockings and garter belt." With shaking fingers Gareth silently obeyed.
Cindy was impressed how controlled her voice sounded. She was enjoying this.
"Now, Gareth... I want you to remove my bra and panties." Very shyly, he obeyed.
Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them.
Cindy then looked sternly at him and said, "Gareth, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"

DOCTORS

A man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers.
They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman agrees. So they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room.
She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally, she goes into the bedroom And they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?"
"Yeah," says the man, a bit taken aback. "How did you know?"
The woman answers, "I didn't feel a thing."