Monica in Hell

Bill Clinton dies and, as can be expected is sent to Hell
He is warmly greeted by the Devil who offers him the choice of three tortures for the rest of eternity.
They reach the first room where Bill is shown a writhing body hanging from the ceiling. A bonfire is burning below being tended by playful imps.
"Uurghh " says Bill. " I don't think so"
The next room has a man chained to a bench with more imps brandishing hot irons and whips.
"Nooooh." says Bill. "Not my scene"
The next room has a naked man chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees in front of him. "Hmmm, That's more like it. I'll take this one."
The Devil smiles, "Good. Hey Monica, you've been replaced."

Christmas in Heaven

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

The young teacher was testing the children in a Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
She asked them,
'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'No!' By now she was starting to smile.
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'No!'.
She was just bursting with pride for them.
Then how can I get into heaven?'
Little Johnny shouted from down the back.. " YUV GOTTA BE FUCKN' DEAD.........."

Engineer in hell (Mayor of Bibliovilla)

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer,"So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake --he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says,"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Marriage made in heaven

A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter. "My fiance and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again."
Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer."
Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."
The couple got married.
Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven. St. Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

Magic Mirror (courtesy Mayor of Putridville)

There is a blonde, a brunette and red head, they hear about this mirror in the girls’ bathroom at this restaurant that grants wishes.

You get one wish, but only if you tell the truth, or you go to hell.

So the brunette walks in and says, "I think I am the richest girl, in the world" *poof* she disappears.

So the red head tries, she says, "I think I’m the prettiest girl in the world" *poof* she disappears.

So the blonde goes up and says "I think...." *poof* she disappears.

Clocks in Heaven (Mayor of Jotown)

Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Welcome to Heaven.

An 85 year old couple, died in a car crash.
This ended a happy marriage of nearly 65 years.
Both had maintained good health throughout their years, and particularly in later life because of her passion for healthy food, and regular exercise.

They reached the pearly gates together.
St. Peter welcomed them in, and escorted them personally to their new home.
A beautiful but simple mansion, set in easily maintained gardens and a view overlooking the sea in one direction and snow topped mountains in the other.
There was a Chef's kitchen, already stocked with every appliance the woman had ever wanted.
A huge king sized bed stood centrally in the bedroom and a luxurious ensuite with jacuzzi and every perfume, bubble bath ever created was available for use.
They were over-awed. Eventually, when the gentleman caught his breath he asked St Peter what this was going to cost.
St Peter replied, "It's all free, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the grounds and for the husband, the championship golf course directly behind.
Apparently the home came with daily golfing access priveledges and the course itself updated regularly to replicate famous Earthly courses to avoid any tedium and the need to travel.
Again the rather sceptical old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
St Peter again replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!You earned the right to all of this during your lives on Earth" St Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
St Peter explained, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
St Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

One Really Good Deed

This young, average looking guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He waits patiently to be admitted while St. Peter leafs through his Big Book of Names, Places & Deeds.

He has to do this for every new arrival..
Checking to see if the guy has earned entry to heaven or about to take the other long lonely walk .
Saint Peter looks concerned..
He goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and then looks up at the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says,
"Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl.
I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing.
There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime!
You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

Three Italian nuns

A terrible car accident takes the lives of three Italian nuns die and go all approach the Pearly Gates together.
At the Gates, St. Peter is waiting.
He greet them warmly and says, "Sisters, While you were on Earth you led such exemplary lives that God is granting you an extra six months of life.
That is six months on earth and be anyone you choose."
The first nun makes up her mind quickly , "I want to be Sophia Loren."
*Poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna"

*Poof* she disappears.
The last, more thoughtfully asks, "I would like to have my six months as Sarah Pipalini.."
St. Peter has never heard of this person (and St Peter knows every name). "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter .
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

Stitched up (Mayor of Erlenweg)

A cross-stitcher was very naughty in this earthly life and didn't go to heaven.
At the gates of Hades, she was met by the Devil.
"Welcome," he said, smirking at her. "Let me show you around your eternal home."
The Devil led her to a large room that looked uncannily like a large needlework shop. The stitcher blinked her eyes, wondering if what she saw was an illusion.
No, it was true.
The most wonderful needlework shop she had ever seen was right before her.
Still unbelieving, she asked, "Is this real?"
"Of course," murmered the Evil One. "Reach out and touch it."
The stitcher was worried that she would be zapped by 1000 volts, but reached out anyway, unable to help herself.
IT WAS REAL! "May I look around?" she asked excitedly, all the while thinking, This can't be Hell! This is too good!
"Of course," said the Devil. "This is your eternal reward."
The stitcher began to survey the particulars of her damnation. There was every chart ever published, including all the ones that were out of print in her lifetime and could never find.
There was a full run of each needlework magazine, including all the old ones with the historical examples -and each issue was pristine.
She continued to look with wonder.
Every thread imaginable was there; silks, cottons, metallics, pearl cottons, over-dyeds, hand-dyeds, rayons and twisted-rayons (Yes, maybe I am in Hell, she thought when she saw those)

Her eyes lit up when she saw the piles and piles of fabrics.
There were bolts and bolts of every colour and every type.
An array of beautiful thimbles were hers for the choosing, as were scissors and clever
needlework gadgets; all organised just as she would have done it on earth.
And there, beside her favourite earthly stitching chair, were all her unfinished projects!
Yes, she thought, you can take it with you.
I have all the time I want now.
I'm going to finish them at last.

The stitchers fingers were just itching to get going!
She turned to Beelzebub and said, "THIS IS HEAVEN ! ! ! "
"No," he rejoined. "This is Hell. DO YOU SEE ANY NEEDLES?"

Use the gold phone

An American Decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta .. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American .

He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived on the Sunshine Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call'.

Heavenly Holy

An dear little old lady dies and as her reward goes to heaven.

She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my God,' says the old lady,'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,

'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of there.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that.'

Be clean (supplied by the mayor of Wopila)

A van full of nuns gets into an accident and end up at the pearly gates where saint Peter is waiting for them.
Next to the pearly gates is a huge tub of holy water.
St Peter tells the nuns that even people who sinned a bit can get into heaven, they just have to wash the body part that they sinned with in the holy water and also be honest about their sin.
The first nun in line admits that when she was a young girl, she was walking down the street and looked up into this apartment window and saw a man undressing.
She did not avert her eyes but watched him for quite awhile.
"No prob" St peter said, "wash your eyes in the holy water and enter your reward."

The next nun in line admits that when she was a teenager, before she entered the convent, she had a few dates with a young man and on one of them, she touched his penis.
"No prob," said St Peter, just wash your hands in the holy water and enter your reward.

St Peter hears a commotion and looks over to see the next two nuns fighting over who is going to be next in line.
"Ladies, ladies," St peter said,
"Please, there is no reason to fight over who will be next."

One of the nuns replied,
"There certainly is, I must be next because I am not going to gargle with that holy water after she sits in it."

Forrest Gump goes to Heaven

The sad day finally arrived.
Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He approaches the Pearly Gates slowly, to be met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed to him, and Forrest cautiously approaches the gatekeeper and asks how he can enter.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you though, that heaven is filling up really fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, just 3 questions, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.
I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,
"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers"

Forrest replied,
"Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed,
"Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said,
"Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied,
"Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St.Peter.
"I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied with a big smile, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.
"I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."