Let's celebrate

Joe rushes into the bar and asks the bartender to pour him a whisky, and make it quick
The bartender is curious, and asks what is the hurry
Joe replies "Oh man. I just got my first blowjob"
"In that case," says the barman, "To help you celebrate I will give you a double at no extra charge."
"Na, Thanks but." says Joe. "One will do. I just need to get the taste out of my mouth"

ENTERTAINING THE BUTLER

Cindy and Bob have arranged a big night out with a few of Bob's work mates and their wives. They were not expecting to return home til the early hours of the morning
As a special treat the decide to give their butler, Gareth, the night off as well
Cindy explained that as they would not be requiring his services he should go out as well and enjoy himself After a few hours at the party Cindy was finding the company to be rather boring. The wives were all gossiping about people she didn't know and the men were talking about fishing.
Trying to avoid affending anyone, Cindy explained she had a headache and caught a taxi home, leaving Bob with his mates.
Arriving home Cindy was surprised to find Gareth in their entertainment room, Glass of red in hand, remains of a pizza on the floor beside the lounge and his feet on their expensive coffee table watching a movie.
Cindyy smiled to herself, Beckoned to Gareth, and walked toward the master bedroom.
She waited at the door til he was in the room and then, in a commanding voice ordered...
"Gareth, I want you to take off my dress." He nervously did as he was told and once it was off he carefully placed it on the back of a nearby chair. Cindy was pleased with how well this was going.
"Gareth, now you can take off my stockings and garter belt." With shaking fingers Gareth silently obeyed.
Cindy was impressed how controlled her voice sounded. She was enjoying this.
"Now, Gareth... I want you to remove my bra and panties." Very shyly, he obeyed.
Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them.
Cindy then looked sternly at him and said, "Gareth, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"

Boys & Girls

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother "...please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So, Johnny’s mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"OK, now take off my skirt..." And he takes off her skirt.

"Now, take off my bra..." Which he does.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties..."

And when Johnny finishes removing these, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!

What were you thinking?

Who is that? (mayor of Jotown)

After returning home from his honeymoon the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about it.

"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery"

Great job ** X Rated **

The business trip was nearing the end and he decided to have a look around the city.
He had heard about the sights Sydney had to offer, but that was not quite what he was looking for this particular evening.
He had seen the amazing Opera House, and walked over the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
Tonight he was heading for "The Cross".
It didn't take long and he found what a wanted. Nice slim, long legged hooker.
"How much for a hand job?" he asks
"100 Bucks" relies the hooker with a gorgeous smile.
"WHAT!! 100 Bucks?? That's a lot of money"
The hooker smiled again "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs. I guarantee it'll be the best you've had."
He had made some pretty good sales this trip so gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.
The next day he finds her and asks "How much for a head job?"
"200 dollars" and again that smile. The smile alone makes his knees weak.
"200 dollars?? That's a lot of money"
She pointed down to the pier and said "See that yacht? I paid for that by giving head jobs."
Same deal. He gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life.
On hist last day in town he again goes to The Cross and finds the hooker in the same place. "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."
"10,000 dollars'
"10,000 dollars?? Now that's just too much."
This time she laughed, and pointed into the harbour "You see that island"
This time he is gob smacked.. YEAH he says.
"Well I got my eye on that Island, but first I need $10,000 to get me a pussy."

Professional Parents

Little Johnny attends a ritzy private school in London.
One morning the teacher asked the children to stand up and tell the others what their father did for a living.

One by one the children complied.
All the typical answers came out, Doctor, Policeman, Lawyer, OIC, Member of Parliament, etc, but Little Johnny at the back seemed reluctant to join in.
Finally, when all the other children were finished, the teacher asked him about his father.

Little Johnny stood up and looked uncharacteristically embarrassed.
Looking at his feet he started...
“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club. He takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Johnny aside. This was a major revelation. Possibly notifiable.
He sat Johnny down and asked him if that was really true.

“No” said Johnny, “I made it all up.  He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say.”

Bus load of nuns (Mayor of Jotown)

A bus load of nuns was travelling to see the Pope, and they had to make an overnight stop at a small inn on the way. The inn was nearly full, but there was enough room for the nuns if they went two to a room.

One couple had to share a double bed in a room. One of these two nuns turned to the other who was sharing with her and said, "Can I be frank with you? I'm a lesbian; I hope that doesn't make you feel too uncomfortable."

The other nun said back, "No - but if you're Frank tonight, can I be Frank tomorrow night?"

Four men went golfing. (Mayor of Putridville)

Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."

The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well.
His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

Mountain Men (courtesy mayor of Camorr)

A big-city businessman has had enough of the rat race, so he moves to an isolated cabin deep in the woods.
He's been there a few days when there's a knock on his door. There stands a grizzled old mountain man.
"I live over that mountain. I come to invite ya to a party," says the old man.
"Well this is a surprise," the man says. "I didn't even know I had any neighbors. I'd love to go to the party. Thanks for inviting me!"
The old man turns to walk away, then turns back. "I guess I should warn ya. There's gonna be drinkin'."
"Well, I can certainly hold my liquor. No problem there."
"And I guess I oughta let you know, there's gonna be fightin'."
"I never go looking for trouble, but I think I can handle myself."
"And you should know there's gonna be lovin'."
"Hmm. Well, I have been getting lonely out here, so I think I can handle that too!"
The old man once again turns to walk away. The man in the cabin calls out, "Wait! Should I bring anything?"
"Bring anything you want. Just gonna be you and me."