MUD CRABS

A bloke got on the plane in Darwin with a box of mud crabs.
He approached a female crew member with the request to keep it cold, so she took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in Sydney, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Darwin, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them herself !

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

*1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. *

*2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think*

which Door (mayor of Jotown)

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Models in an aircrash disaster

Three gorgeous models, One Blonde, One Brunette, and One Redhead are travelling first class to a conference in Paris.
Suddenly the Captain of the plane emerges from the cockpit and announces: "Please prepare for an emergency crash landing. Damage occurred in the patch of turbulence we just passed through, and we have lost power to all engines - please assume the brace position immediately!"
The stewards will help you with any questions you have and direct you with the required procedures.
(Remember, we are dealing with dipsy models here).
The three young women look at each other and start preparing for the worst.
The Blonde quickly pulls out some lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face up. Bewildered, The Air Steward asks: "What in the hell are you doing? There is no time to fix up your make-up-we are about to crash!" The Blonde responds: “Well I know for a fact that the rescue workers will look for, and rescue first, the best looking survivors—this is why I am putting on my make-up.”
Immediately The Redhead rips open her blouse to expose her breasts which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.
”OMG” shouts the steward: “Have you lost your mind?? We are about to die!”
The Redhead responds: “I have it on good authority that in plane crashes, the rescue workers look for, and save the women with big beautiful breasts first—this is why I am exposing my Breasts!”
Not to be outdone, The Brunette pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her female “love triangle.”
Now totally at a loss and freaking out, the poor steward shouts: “ Are your f……g crazy?? Why are you exposing your snatch for everyone to see??”
Calmly, The Brunette responds: ", PUULLEEEEASE!
I know for a fact that the first thing the rescue workers always look for in plane crashes is the black box!!"

Lost at sea

Lost at sea.
An airliner from Australia develops major engine problems and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.
The plane is ripped apart on impact, leaving only one man alive.
He swims for hours and finally drags himself up onto the sandy shores.
He lies there exhausted for a while, taking in the awful reality.
He is thousands of miles from home, with nothing.. He then slowly becomes aware of the beauty around him.
Then he notices a little further along the beach another figure.
Perhaps another survivor from the crash.
He quickly runs over and finds a young woman, barely alive.
He gives her the kiss of life, and after several attempts she coughs and starts breathing.
She wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!
Forever grateful to him, they quickly strike up an friendship, and over the following weeks, things progress further.
Then, one day as Kylie is strolling along the beach she notices him sitting on the rocks gazing despondently out to sea.
She wanders over and asks what is wrong.
"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require. We have each other. But there's something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do anything".
"Well there is one thing that might help. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"
"OKayy??"
"And my trousers?"
"Hmmm.. OKayy?" What is this guy thinking....

Then, he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips.
"Looks good, Now... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?" (OMG.. what is he thinking???)

They set off, Each in the opposite direction. He is striding out briskly. She is a little more hesitant...
After around an hour the two come into sight of one another again, He immediately breaks into a run, His grin spreading from ear to ear.
Then as he reaches her he grabs her and shouts......:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm sh%#@*&'!!

Blonde Bombshell

Ima Blonde loved to visit her family, especially during the holidays.
Big problem tho, her family were spread all over the country. That meant a lot of travelling, and to get there in a reasonable time, it meant flying.
She had a couple children up North. Her sister had moved out West. Her son and his wife and children were on the coast.
She loved the time she spent with her family, but she hated flying.
It didn’t matter who told her, or how many times they told her, she was always worried that there may be a bomb on the plane.
She went to the library and read books about how safe it was.
She checked on the internet, and watched the television.
She watched carefully and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features.
But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up.
The family got together and thought of a way to help her relax about travelling.
The made an appointment with an independent party who did a thorough investigation into the safety of flying.
The appointment well until he asked if she had any questions
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
He looked through his papers and replied, "There is a chance. But it is a very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, thought for a moment. Not real good odds in her opinion.
She then asked. "And, what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again he checked carefully. Did some calculations. Then answered. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."
Ima Blonde nodded and left his office.
From that day and until this one, every time she travels by airoplane, she takes a bomb along with her.

Cost of flying

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

'$10 for 3 minutes,' replied the pilot.
'That's too much,' said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, 'I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10.'

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, 'I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.'

'Maybe so,' said the farmer, 'But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

Busy airport,

Passengers on a commercial airliner, waiting for the pilot to so they can get under way.

Finally... the pilot and copilot appear at the back(?) of the plane and make their way to the cockpit via the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind(?);

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle.

The copilot is using a guide dog.

Both have their eyes covered with very dark glasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. (Is it April 1st?)

After a few minutes though, with the engines start revving, the airplane begins taxiing down the runway.

No explanation,... No punch line...

The passengers glance uneasily around.

They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the plane starts accelerating rapidly.

The people begin panicking.

Some passengers are praying.

As the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in pitch as everyone screams at once.

At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot:

"You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

Beware of dogs on planes

A man has just settled himself into his seat next to the window on a long distance air trip.

Shortly another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically, and somewhat hesitantly at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a "Sniffer dog".

"'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne. That's when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says:
"Watch this."' And he tells Smithy to "'search"'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", gives the dog a treat, and turns to the man and says:

"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to "search" again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to s**t all over the place.

The first man is really gob smacked by this behaviour.

He can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent
"What's going on?"

The agent isn't looking as confident, and definitely not happy at the dog's actions.
He nervously replies, "Aaahhhh. He just found a bomb".

NON STOP FLIGHT

Imagine..
A plane flight from Sydney to Hollywood.
A blonde is seated in economy class.
After around an hour or so she gets up and starts to wander around.

Up and down the aisle.
In and out of any spare seats.
She tried the window seats.
She tried the aisle seats.
She tried the "extra leg room" seats near to the emergency exits.
At one stage she even tried the Gents Rest Room.

Finally she settled down quite comfortably in a window seat in First Class.,

As you may imagine, this is rather worrying activity in our present climate with bomb threats etc

A flight attendant who watched all the carry on, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class .
She had paid for economy and she needed to stay in that area.
Plus, if she looked at her ticket, the number printed matched the number quite clearly shown above the economy class seat.
The blonde smiled happily and replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm flying to Hollywood and I'm staying right here."

After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up.
She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot.
The co-pilot said, "Let me try."

He went up to the blonde and politely tried to explain to her why she needed to return to her seat in economy class.

But the blonde only replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Hollywood and I'm staying right here."

Frustrated, the co-pilot returned to the cockpit.
He suggested that perhaps they should have the airline call the police and have her arrested when they land.

"Wait a minute," said the pilot.
"Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde."
So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear.

"I'm so sorry," said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class.

"What did you say to her?" ask the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot.

To which the pilot replied, "I just told her that first class isn't going to Hollywood."