Showing posts with label Cars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cars. Show all posts

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Johnny's cars

Mrs Jones is taking the grade seven science class and this week they are discussing the different elements and their properties.
After drawing the periodic table on the blackboard, and discussing the differences she turns and asks the class to select the element they would like to have 1 kilo. of, and why they selected that item.
Little Donny is first to raise his hand and said, "Gee whiz Mrs Jones.. I think I would like 1 kg. of pure gold. I choose gold because it is very valuable and I could buy myself a bright yellow Ferari."
"Well done" said Mrs Jones who then asked Little Susie what she would like.
"Ooohhhh.. "I want platinum Mrs Jones, 'Cos platinum is even better'n gold. Then I could get me a nice shiny red Corvette"
"That sounds lovely" smiled Mrs Jones.
She then shuddered to herself as she asked Little Johnny the same question.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I guess the best choice has to be silicon."
Mrs Jones did not expect such an unusual choice, "Why is that Johnny?"
Johnny smiled, "Cos my mom has just two little bags of silicon. WOW.... You wouldn' believe all the fancy cars out front of our house!"

Saturday, September 26, 2009

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'

Sunday, June 21, 2009

The Blonde & The Mechanic (courtesy Mayor of Putridville)

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."

After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says: "What's the story?"

He replies: "Just shit in the carburettor."

She then asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Irish tourists..

Irish tourists..
The tourists are travelling thru the beautiful Irish countryside.
The perol tank is showing low and when they see a convenient petrol station they decide to fill up.
The attendant leaves his cubicle and approaches the car.
"Fill'er up, please?". Asks the tourist
"Sorry - we don't have any petrol." replies the attendant
"Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?"
The attendant responds "Sorry, but no oil either."
Bit strange thinks the tourist." D' ya think you can wash the windscreen then?" he asks.
The attendant replies. " No - I can't do that either."
"Well what do you do then? Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" Asks the tourist who is rapidly losing his cool.
The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front."
The man then says "Well, in that case, you can at least blow up the tyres !"

Monday, June 1, 2009

Women and ATM's (Mayor of Erlenweg)

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Pigs in the mud

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard he had decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM. loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will! I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not."

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Irish Driver

Paddy was driving home from the pub one night.
All of a sudden he sees a tree in the middle of the road.
Swerving to miss it, he sees another tree.
He swerves to miss that one as well.
All of a sudden, there's another tree.
Then another, and another.
Each time Paddy swerves and misses the tree.
A copper sees Paddy swerving all over the road and pulls him over.
Damn Paddy, the copper says, are you drunk.
So Padd proceeds to tell the copper about the trees in the middle of the road.
For f***s sake Paddy, the copper says.
Thats your air freshener.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Blonde Drivers

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde: “I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde: Well you better hurry up. It’s starting to rain and the top is down!

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Parking (Mayor of Jotown)

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says, "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks, "And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Four men went golfing. (Mayor of Putridville)

Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."

The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well.
His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

Monday, April 27, 2009

Cell phones (mayor of Jotown)

A man is in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone rings, he engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk....

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: How much?"

WOMAN: $60,000.

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000."

WOMAN: "OK. This is surely my luckiest day. I love you! Honey"

MAN: "Bye, I love you too."

When he just hangs up, another man enters the locker room and asks the first man, "Have you seen my cell phone?"

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Grandma Still Drives. (Mayor of Erlenweg)

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed..

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Go Go Go

A man in a Porsche 911 stops at a stoplight and a guy on a scooter pulls up next to him.
The guy on the scooter leans over and takes an admiring look at the inside of the Porsche and tells the driver that he has a really hot car.
Well, the light turned green so the driver of the Porsche decides to show off and peels out and leaves the guy on the scooter in the dust.
Then, all of a sudden, he sees the scooter zip on past him.
So, being a little cocky, the Porsche driver floors it again and blows past the guy on the scooter.
A few seconds later, he again sees the scooter zip on past him.
So now he's a little irate as well as a little miffed that that scooter keeps passing him.
He really floors it until he is going over 100 mph.
He thinks that there would be no way that scooter could catch him now, but, there in the rear view mirror and sees that scooter starting to catch up.
That's It... He decides to find out what that scooter really is.
He slams down hard on his brakes.
The scooter crashes into the rear of the Porsche.
After the dust settled, the Porsche driver sees the scooter driver lying in the road and goes over to him and asks how he could go as fast as the Porsche on such a little wimpy scooter...
The dying man replied, "I can't really, but my suspenders were caught on your side mirror...."

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Bugs (Mayor of Marie Queen of All)

A man and his wife are driving down the highway having a fight over the
husband sleeping with another woman.
The wife takes out a knife and cuts of the mans penis and throws it out the window. The penis splats onto the windshield of the car that is following and rolls off.
The 14 year old girl riding with her dad says "What was that Dad?"
The father says "It was just a bug honey".
The daughter replies "Wow Dad, that bug sure had a big dick".

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Microsoft v General Motors

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics...
(and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason.
You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Another amazing tale of Jack and Diane...(supplied by mayor of HustleBustle)

One day Jack was driving down the road in a hot red convertible.
He was driving 15 mph when a rabbit hopped in front of his car.
As Jack swerved the rabbit swerved also and was run over.
Jack out of the car and started crying
"OH-MY-GOD... OH-MY-GOD!!!!"

Just then Diane drives up and asks him what's wrong, when he tells her she says,
"Oh I can fix that Jack, don't worry."
She goes to her car, pulls out a can and sprays the rabbit with it.
It instantly comes alive and hops off, but every five feet it turns back to wave, before finally disappearing into the forest.

Jack is amazed and says,
"How did you do that?"

Diane just shrugs nonchalantly, tosses him the can and drives off.
He looks at the can, which says in bold letters:

"Hair Spray: Guaranteed to bring your hair back to life and create a permanent wave."

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Tap on the shoulder

A tourist has just arrived in a new city.
He finds a taxi that can take him to his motel for the night and off they go.
Eager to know a bit more about the city, and realising the best person to ask is either a hairdresser or taxi driver, he figures he should take advantage of his current situation.
He leaned forward to ask the driver a question and tapped him lightly on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then the still shaking driver turns and says, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized profusely to the driver, But he commented that he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten someone so much.
The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab.....
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

THE MONASTERY

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
"My car broke down. Do you think I could stay here for the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, they even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a mesmerising sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks "What was that strange, hypnotic sound.
They answer, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard so many years earlier. The next morning, he asks once again what it was.
But once again, the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk.

"The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles.
When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.

"The man sets about his task.
Forty five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass,
And 231,281,219,999,129,382 sandpebbles on the earth."

The monks reply,
"Congratulations. You are now a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
"The sound is behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He asks, "May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. Once again,, the door is locked.
The man requests, and receives the key to the stone door.
He opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say,
"This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk.