Did she threaten to kill you?

One day, an immigrant from Poland rushed into a the Police Station to report that his new wife was planning to kill him.
The duty officer took down the notes and asked, "How can you be sure she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"
"No."
"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"
"No."
"Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found dis bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you read?? Dis label on bottle say 'Polish Remover'?"

Naked Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.
He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this? '
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....
'I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
‘We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
‘Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
‘Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
‘Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy!!!!!!!!’
'And here I am.'

Blonde Men do exist

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'

Irish Driver

Paddy was driving home from the pub one night.
All of a sudden he sees a tree in the middle of the road.
Swerving to miss it, he sees another tree.
He swerves to miss that one as well.
All of a sudden, there's another tree.
Then another, and another.
Each time Paddy swerves and misses the tree.
A copper sees Paddy swerving all over the road and pulls him over.
Damn Paddy, the copper says, are you drunk.
So Padd proceeds to tell the copper about the trees in the middle of the road.
For f***s sake Paddy, the copper says.
Thats your air freshener.

Parking (Mayor of Jotown)

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window . "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane....and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says, "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks, "And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

Speed limit (courtesy mayor of Entenhausen)

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.
He thinks to himself, 'This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!' So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, 'Officer, I don't understand, I was going the exact speed limit.
What seems to be the problem?'

The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

'But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?
These ladies seem awfully shaken.'

'Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127.

The bells, The bells..

BELLS
~~~~
One day a strange man with no arms showed up at a secluded monastery, asking if there was any work.
The monk thought for a while, then asked if he could perhaps ring the bell in the tower by running into it with his head.
The man with no arms thought he could manage that and started his new career.

For several days, the man happily climbed the steep stairs rang the bell with his head.
Then one day he slipped, missed the bell, and fell off the tower, plunging to his death.
The local constable showed up and asked the monk if he knew the man.
The monk said "No, but his face rings a bell."

BELLS Part 2:

Same monastery, few months later.
A second strange man with no arms shows up and says he heard the monastery had a job for a guy with no arms (and an opening).
The monk explained the situation and the job requirements (and the rather high risk factor of the work) carefully and the man took the job.
The new applicant managed to happily ring the bell for several days before he also slipped and plunged to his death.
The constable showed up and once again asked if the monk knew the man.
The monk said "No, but he's a dead ringer for the last guy."