An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.
His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman.
The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
Showing posts with label American. Show all posts
Showing posts with label American. Show all posts
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Naval Radio
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED By THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Murphy, the engineer
Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin.
An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.
The manager went to Murphy and said.
Manager: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job”
Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”
Manager: “We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”
Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”
Manager: “Simple, the American put down on question #5, “I don’t know.”, You put down “Neither do I.”
Friday, June 5, 2009
Country Cornwall
An American tourist is on holiday in a tiny Cornish village.
One morning, while out for a walk, he spots the village idiot sitting next to the horse trough.
In his hand is a dry old stick. Tied to the end of the stick is a daggy bit of string. The string is dangling in the murky water.
The American decides to have a bit of a laugh at the poor fellows expense, and asks: "Have you caught anything yet?"
The village idiot slowly lifts his head. He then looks carefully at the stranger, before replying: "Aye, you be the seventh today."
One morning, while out for a walk, he spots the village idiot sitting next to the horse trough.
In his hand is a dry old stick. Tied to the end of the stick is a daggy bit of string. The string is dangling in the murky water.
The American decides to have a bit of a laugh at the poor fellows expense, and asks: "Have you caught anything yet?"
The village idiot slowly lifts his head. He then looks carefully at the stranger, before replying: "Aye, you be the seventh today."
Friday, May 15, 2009
Good food needs a beer.
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.
The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed. However, he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"
The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed. However, he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"
Clinton v Hussein
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for talks on sanctions. When Bill sits down he notices Saddam's chair has three buttons on the armrest. They begin talking but after 5 minutes Saddam presses a button and a boxing glove pops out of
Clinton's chair and bashes him on his face.
Clinton, barely believing it, carries on talking, but after another few minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the groin. Clinton is pissed off but still remains outwardly calm.
They resume the talks, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, right in the groin. Clinton is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave.
"We'll continue this talk next week in the White House" says the President.
Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment stands. A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton's chair.
As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen.
This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing...really loudly. After this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Saddam reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Clinton falls out of his chair laughing. Saddam doesn't get it--what the hell is happening here?
But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further.
After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad" (Through tears of laughter from the floor): "Baghdad?...What fucking Baghdad?"
Clinton's chair and bashes him on his face.
Clinton, barely believing it, carries on talking, but after another few minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the groin. Clinton is pissed off but still remains outwardly calm.
They resume the talks, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, right in the groin. Clinton is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave.
"We'll continue this talk next week in the White House" says the President.
Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment stands. A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton's chair.
As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen.
This doesn't stop Clinton from laughing...really loudly. After this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Saddam reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Clinton falls out of his chair laughing. Saddam doesn't get it--what the hell is happening here?
But he hasn't been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further.
After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn't, he's rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing. Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: "I've had enough of this, I'm going back to Baghdad" (Through tears of laughter from the floor): "Baghdad?...What fucking Baghdad?"
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Little Doggie (mayor of Jotown)
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little Dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, it seems you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little Dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, it seems you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Use the gold phone
An American Decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta .. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .
He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.
He arrived on the Sunshine Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call'.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta .. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
'O.K., thank you,' said the American .
He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand.
In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American, decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone.
He arrived on the Sunshine Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call'.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Diets and Dying
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than British, Australians or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than British, Australians or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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