Thirsty String (Mayor of Pakctown)

A string walks into a bar. “Excuse me,” he asks “can I please have a drink?” “Nope” replies the bartender “we don’t serve strings.” Upset at the racism the string asks a fellow at the bar to buy him a drink. Seeing this the bartender picks him up and throws him out of the bar. The string walks over to a curb rubs himself against it and ties himself in a knot, then walks back into the bar. “Excuse me, can I please have a drink?” “Aren’t you the string that was just here?” asks the bartender. “No” came the answer, “I’m a frayed knot.”

Mary Poppins room service.

It was a shocking night out, even for English winter weather. Mary Poppins was being blown around terribly and her unbrella was turning inside out, so when she spotted the cheery lights of a small Pub she decided that she would see if they had a room for the night.
After a rough landing, she brushed herself of and approached the publican.
It was quickly arranged that she could stay the night in the room upstairs, but due to the late hour, the dining room had closed.
She could however have a meal delivered to her room.
Mary glanced over the selection and decided to have a small serve of cauliflower cheese, and as breakfast was included in the room charge she asked for two poached eggs with toast. This was also to be brought to her room at 7.30am.
Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. She slept soundly and was ready to leave by 8.30.
She found the publican behind the bar and prepared to pay the bill.
"Lovely morning madam...Did you sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"And was the food to your liking?"
"The cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I enjoyed it immensely.. But the eggs ....they were quite rubbery. Not nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...I am sorry to hear that. But thank you for your honesty. If you leave a note in the visitors book. we will look into it." said the publican.
"Ok ...thanks!" replied Mary,
Curious to know what she had written the publican picked up the book to find just one word.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!"

Catholic Shampoo

Sister Agatha and Sister Martha are heading back to the nunnery after doing the grocery shopping.  As the walk along the busy street they pass a pub advertising a super special. 50% off a six pack of the beer of their choice.
Sr Agatha asked Sr Martha if she would like to add a six pack to the already heavy load of groceries the had. asked the other if she would like a beer.
Sr Martha agreed it would be very nice on such a hot day to sit down and relax when  they got home...  But added she was not at all comfortable with entering such a place and purchasing alchohol..
Sr Agatha smiled and said she was happy to do the buying.  She had a sure fire answer for any q's that may arise..
She walked straight in, selected a six pack from the refridgerator and took it to the cashier.

The cashier gave the nuns a surprised look and a raised eyebrow.
Sr Agatha just smiled and said, "We use it for washing our hair. It keeps it so soft and shiny."
Not missing a beat, the young lad behind the cash register reached under the counter and slid a package of pretzel sticks in with the beer.
"Cheers Sisters....The curlers are on me."

Local pub

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

Let's celebrate

Joe rushes into the bar and asks the bartender to pour him a whisky, and make it quick
The bartender is curious, and asks what is the hurry
Joe replies "Oh man. I just got my first blowjob"
"In that case," says the barman, "To help you celebrate I will give you a double at no extra charge."
"Na, Thanks but." says Joe. "One will do. I just need to get the taste out of my mouth"

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

Bikie Tolerance

The old fellow is looking like he has a few too many already when he staggers into the biker pub in the town. This is one tough pub and most people cross the road to avoid it.
He wobbles to the bar and orders a beer, sits at the nearest table, then gazes around the room.
His bleary eyes settle on a table in the corner. Seated around it are three men.
He gets to his feet and staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.

Talented Octopus

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He will bet $50 on it.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.

A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.

"Ha!", the man says, "Can't you play it?"

The octopus looks up at the man and says "Play it? I'm going to have sex with it as soon as I get these pyjamas off!

Closing Time

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

Bar bet

Two guys, one blonde, the other brunette, were in a bar, and both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the brunette. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the blonde guy. “Your on!”, The guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The blonde guy sadly digs in his pocket and hands the brunette the money. “I can’t take your money,” said the brunette. “I cheated you. I saw this story on the five o’clock news.” “No, no. Take it,” said the blonde guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

Bar Food

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 Hand Job: $5.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes" she purrs "I am." The man replies "Well can you please wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Free Beer

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a 3 metre 'croc out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands.
Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm.
You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

Dear Drinks (Mayor of Ramadi Heights)

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

Irish Driver

Paddy was driving home from the pub one night.
All of a sudden he sees a tree in the middle of the road.
Swerving to miss it, he sees another tree.
He swerves to miss that one as well.
All of a sudden, there's another tree.
Then another, and another.
Each time Paddy swerves and misses the tree.
A copper sees Paddy swerving all over the road and pulls him over.
Damn Paddy, the copper says, are you drunk.
So Padd proceeds to tell the copper about the trees in the middle of the road.
For f***s sake Paddy, the copper says.
Thats your air freshener.

Buy the lady a drink (Mayor of Putridville)

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar in San Diego. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk Gunny Sergeant slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again the same Marine slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the Marine and said, "I say, old chap, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The Gunny replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

Pirate walked into a bar

Just back from a recent trip, a seasoned pirate staggers into his regular bar.

The bartender takes one look and comments,
"Hey, You haven't been around here lately. Looks like ya been in a few battles."

"Dunno what you mean?" mutters the pirate, "I'm fine."

"Umm, But the wooden leg? Didn't notice that last visit!!."

"Well, Yeah.. We had a bit of a battle. I got hit by a cannon ball. Nothin' serious.. I'm fine."
"Hmm., The hook? What about that hook? That's new. What happened to your hand?"

"Happened in another battle. " said the pirate gruffly.
"We were using a grappling hook to boarded a ship. I got a bit tangled up and some #@* chopped of me hand. I got the hook fitted. I'm fine, really."

"And the eye patch? How did that happen?""

The pirate now looks a bit sheepish. "Errr, we were at sea. A huge flock of birds flew over. Stupid idiot me. I glanced up and one sh#t in my eye."

"Nah..," said the bartender, "Not having that.. you can't lose an eye from some bird sh#t."

"Well... It was my first day with the hook."

Baptists V The Bar

In a small, very conservative town, a business owner began to construct a building for a new bar.
The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed, however, right up until the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented,
"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"