Johnny's cars

Mrs Jones is taking the grade seven science class and this week they are discussing the different elements and their properties.
After drawing the periodic table on the blackboard, and discussing the differences she turns and asks the class to select the element they would like to have 1 kilo. of, and why they selected that item.
Little Donny is first to raise his hand and said, "Gee whiz Mrs Jones.. I think I would like 1 kg. of pure gold. I choose gold because it is very valuable and I could buy myself a bright yellow Ferari."
"Well done" said Mrs Jones who then asked Little Susie what she would like.
"Ooohhhh.. "I want platinum Mrs Jones, 'Cos platinum is even better'n gold. Then I could get me a nice shiny red Corvette"
"That sounds lovely" smiled Mrs Jones.
She then shuddered to herself as she asked Little Johnny the same question.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I guess the best choice has to be silicon."
Mrs Jones did not expect such an unusual choice, "Why is that Johnny?"
Johnny smiled, "Cos my mom has just two little bags of silicon. WOW.... You wouldn' believe all the fancy cars out front of our house!"

Big Words for Little Johnny

As you all know, Little Johnny always manages to say or do something to embarrase his teachers or parents. If it is not his questions or answers, it is his unique way of dealing with situations.
This week at school the teacher is introducing compound and multi-syllable words to the children.
She writes several examples on the black board and then asks if they can add some of their own.
Little Susie suggests "Kan-Ga-Roo."
"Excellent", says Mrs Jones.
Little Jamie adds "Croc-O-Dile"
"Well done", says Mrs Jones.
Meanwhile Little Johnny is waving madly at the back of the class. "Pick me. I gotta good one"
Mrs Jones shudders:"Okay, Little Johnny, what word would you like to add?"
"Mas-Tur-Bate." says Little Johnny
Mrs Jones smile to herself, "Hmm, Now little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
"Nah, Mrs Jones" says Little Johnny "You're thinking of a blowjob".

A LITTLE RIB

Little Johnny goes to Sunday school every week, and he listens carefully to the teacher.
Being "Little Johnny", he always has lots of questions about what he has heard, and they keep his parents occupied for most of the following week with explanations.
This week the teacher had focussed on Genesis. The creation of God's wonders on Earth. This included the creation of human kind.
Little Johnny was especially taken on the story of the creation of Eve from the rib of Adam.
As you may well imagine, this generated a whole new set of questions for the long suffering parents.
After a particularly active afternoon in the backyard Mrs Johnny's Mother noticed Johnny lying on the ground clutching his side and in obvious pain.
She rushed outside and picked him up asking whatever was wrong.
Little Johnny looked up with tears in his eyes. " OWWWWW . Oh Mum.. I've gotta awful pain in here. (Indicating his side). D'ya think I'm gunna have a wife!"

Pray for Granny

The whole family had gathered together for a special celebration at Granny's house.
The table was spread with all the goodies that were Little Johnny's favourites and he just couldn't wait to dig right in.
And being Little Johnny, that is just what he proceeded to do.
Now this was not the thing to do and his mum stopped him and requested that he take time to offer a prayer before eating.
"Don't haf'ta" mumbled Little Johnny with his mouth full.
"Oh. Yes we do" said his mother. "You know at home we say a prayer before eating"
"Yeah Mum, But that's when we're at our house. This is Granny's house, And Granny knows how to cook."

MATHS HOMEWORK

Little Johnny is busily doing his homework, muttering to himself as he does it.
When he gets to his math homework his mother overhears him doing his additions "Seven plus five, that son of a bitch is twelve. Three plus five, that son of a bitch is eight."
"Hey Johnny. That is not a nice way to talk. What is all that talk about?" she said
Johnny mumbled, "I'm just doing my homework Mum."
"I am sure that is not the way you talk in class Johnny?" said Mum.
"Yeah Mum. This is the way the teacher says it." he answered.
Shocked, and a bit curious Johnny's mum takes him to school the next day, and calls the teacher aside to get an explanation. "Mrs Jones, What are you teaching the children in maths class?"
"Mainly we are covering simple addition". she replied "Why? You seem upset."
Johnny's mother asked, "And, as part of math, do you teach them to say things like five plus five, that son of a bitch is ten?"
Mrs Jones roared with laughter. It took a while before she could answer with, "What I taught them was, five plus five, the sum of which is ten. I can't imagine where he could have learned the other!!"

The Experiment

Mr Johnson liked to entertain his chemistry class with hands on style experiments.
And he tries to have a moral to the experience as well as the straight out classroom learning.
On this particular day he has on his desk a glass of water, a glass of vodka, and two worms. He hopes to teach the children of the "evils of drink".
The children are all asked to watch carefully as he places one worm into each glass.
The worm in the water wriggles and squirms as it floats to the bottom, and then sets about looking for a way out.
The worm in the vodka writhes in obvious agony before sinking to the bottom. Dead.

Mr Johnson then asks "What can we learn from this"?
He receives several mediocre responses about the difference between the two liquids from the class while carefully avoiding Little Johnny who is madly waving his hand in the air.
Finally Little Johnny can't hold back and blurts. "I know the answer.. If ya drink Vodka ya wont get worms..."

Bugs

  Little Johnny is not good at controlling his temper (or his curiosity or his tongue).
  While playing in the backyard on a sunny day some bees started to bother him and to stop them he started stomping on them.
   Little Johnny's dad wanted to stop him, but he wanted to teach him a lesson in the process. He explained..  "Little Johnny,  we get honey from the bees.  You should leave them alone.  So you understand, there will be no honey on your toast for one month".
  "Hmmmphh" said little Johnny.
    Later that afternoon, Johnny found some butterflies in the cabbage patch and, as before began catching and stomping on them.
  And again his father caught him.  A bit difficult as butterflies have no use and these were a pest, but he didn't want Johnny killing everthing in the yard, so"No butter for you for one month!"
"Double  Hmmmphh" said little Johnny.
  They then heard mum calling them to come in for dinner.  They  both headed inside to clean up.
From the kitchen they could hear the sounds of saucepans and plates clattering and a lot of thumping.  Pocking their heads around the door they were just in time to see mum squash a huge cockroach.
  Little Johnny smiled and looked at his dad..,"Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

How To Sell Toothbrushes

 There was a long weekend coming up and the teacher decided it was a good chance to extend the economics class into a real life situation.
 She set the class the task of selling something during the break, and then giving a talk on their sales technique.
 The following Monday the kids were all back in class and eager to tell how it went.

 First up was little Mary..   "I'm a girl scout and I sold cookies.  I made $52.25.  I set out to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Well done," said the teacher.

Next came Little Annie.. "I sold magazines from my father's newsagency," she said, "I made $55.00  I explained that the magazines were educational and informative."
"Very good, Annie," said the teacher.

And so it went until it was little Johny's turn.. The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny strode to the front of the classroom and his lunch box on the teacher's desk. "$1,367.00," he whooped, grinning from ear to ear.

"$1,367.00," cried the teacher, "How??  Who??  What on Earth were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny earnestly.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"Easy...  I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,
"I set up a Dip and Chip stand and I gave everybody a free sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like s#@%!"
Then I would say, "It is s#@%. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Kids At Christmas

A couple days after Christmas little Johnny's Mum was working in the kitchen while listening to her son play with his new electric train set.
Johnny sounded like he needed a sleep and the play was getting noisy and a bit rough.
She was about to head in to pop him off to bed for a nap when she heard the train stop.
OK, Now's a good time.
Then she heard Johnny yelling."Hey all you sons a bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop, before we turn round and go back
All of you waitin' to get on, get in gear and get on the train cause we're leaving".
Johnny's mum was shocked. The things they learn in play group. She looked at Johnny and said, "Johnny, That is not the way to speak. We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go into your room for two hours for a rest. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any more bad language."
Two hours later, the Johnny has had his sleep and feeling better. He comes out of his room and continues playing with his train.
Soon the train pulls back into the station and the mother hears "Attention, All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one.
For those of you who are boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat, There is no smoking except on the club car.
We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Boys & Girls

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother "...please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So, Johnny’s mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"OK, now take off my skirt..." And he takes off her skirt.

"Now, take off my bra..." Which he does.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties..."

And when Johnny finishes removing these, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!

What were you thinking?

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

The young teacher was testing the children in a Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
She asked them,
'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'No!' By now she was starting to smile.
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'No!'.
She was just bursting with pride for them.
Then how can I get into heaven?'
Little Johnny shouted from down the back.. " YUV GOTTA BE FUCKN' DEAD.........."

Professional Parents

Little Johnny attends a ritzy private school in London.
One morning the teacher asked the children to stand up and tell the others what their father did for a living.

One by one the children complied.
All the typical answers came out, Doctor, Policeman, Lawyer, OIC, Member of Parliament, etc, but Little Johnny at the back seemed reluctant to join in.
Finally, when all the other children were finished, the teacher asked him about his father.

Little Johnny stood up and looked uncharacteristically embarrassed.
Looking at his feet he started...
“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club. He takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Johnny aside. This was a major revelation. Possibly notifiable.
He sat Johnny down and asked him if that was really true.

“No” said Johnny, “I made it all up.  He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say.”