Paddy, Mick and the well.

Paddy and Mick are out walking in the woods when the find a well.
Being the enquiring kind, they immediately start wondering how deep it is and if it might have water in it. But how to find out.
They both know they will hear a splash if they throw something in, but it is Mick who remembers the formula to calculate the aproximate depth = (time squared)*5. That will give an idea of how deep it is.
They feel in their pockets. Nope, no coins. They look around, grass but no stones.
Paddy asks "Well, What are you goin' to drop?"
Not one to be beaten easily Mick heads into the woods and finds a big log.
He lifts the log carefully to his shoulder and staggers back to where Paddy is waiting. The then carefully drop the log into the well and both step back and count. " 1 chimpanzee, 2 chimpanzee, 3 chimpanzee," SPLASH.
"Ahhh" said Mick "3 seconds squared is 9. Multiply by 5 is 45 metres."
Paddy is impressed. He is about to look back down the well when a goat comes crashing through the clearing and dives down the well
The two are both stunned til Paddy speaks, 'My God, I've never seen anything like that'.
A farmer suddenly appears and looks accusingly at the two
'What's going on here boys?'
Paddy replies 'We just found this here well. Figure it to be round 45 metres down. Then the strangest thing. A goat. He run between us and jumped head first down this well.'
The farmer says, 'Thank heaven it wasn't one of my goats.'
Mick says, 'How you figure it weren't?'
"Aaah", 'Because I keep my goats are tethered to big heavy logs.'

Paddy and Murphy

Paddy asks Murphy:
"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

Murphy thinks for a while, then replies,
"Well, if they fell forward they'd still be in the fuckin' boat.

Four Priests

Four Irish priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says “Well, we’ve all worked together for many years, but don’t really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins.”

They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first Irish priest says “Since I suggested it, I’ll go first. With me it’s the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system.”

They all look each other again nervously, but the next Irish priest slowly starts “Well……with me, it’s gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system.”

The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says “This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system.”

They all look at the fourth Irish priest waiting. He doesn’t say anything. Then one of the four speaks up “Come now, we’ve all told our innermost faults. It’s your turn.” He looks at the others and starts hesitantly “Well….. I’m an inveterate gossip, and I can’t wait to get off this train!”

Murphy, the engineer

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin.

An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Murphy and said.

Manager: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job”

Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”

Manager: “We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”

Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

Manager: “Simple, the American put down on question #5, “I don’t know.”, You put down “Neither do I.”

Irish tourists..

Irish tourists..
The tourists are travelling thru the beautiful Irish countryside.
The perol tank is showing low and when they see a convenient petrol station they decide to fill up.
The attendant leaves his cubicle and approaches the car.
"Fill'er up, please?". Asks the tourist
"Sorry - we don't have any petrol." replies the attendant
"Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?"
The attendant responds "Sorry, but no oil either."
Bit strange thinks the tourist." D' ya think you can wash the windscreen then?" he asks.
The attendant replies. " No - I can't do that either."
"Well what do you do then? Just what kind of petrol station is this ?" Asks the tourist who is rapidly losing his cool.
The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front."
The man then says "Well, in that case, you can at least blow up the tyres !"

Irish Driver

Paddy was driving home from the pub one night.
All of a sudden he sees a tree in the middle of the road.
Swerving to miss it, he sees another tree.
He swerves to miss that one as well.
All of a sudden, there's another tree.
Then another, and another.
Each time Paddy swerves and misses the tree.
A copper sees Paddy swerving all over the road and pulls him over.
Damn Paddy, the copper says, are you drunk.
So Padd proceeds to tell the copper about the trees in the middle of the road.
For f***s sake Paddy, the copper says.
Thats your air freshener.

Who says the Irish are Dumb...

An Irishman finds a job he thinks he might like at The Employment Centre.
They check his credentials and think he might qualify for this one
He dresses up and arrives on time, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a simple math test.
"I'm going to ask three questions", the foreman said. "You have to be able to answer all correctly.
Here is your first question,".

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And then proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks, scratching his head?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head again and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when do I start?"

Irish Golfer ( Mayor ofJotown)

An Aussie golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want...a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the Australian golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guys says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf. If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know they were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Submitted by Sr. Wink, Younkers, NY

English, Irish, Scotts. (mayor of Angelshood)

There's an Englishman an Irishman and a scottsman all in a hot air balloon.
The scottsman dropped a one pound coin and goes down after it.
When he gets there he finds a boy crying.
He asks, "Why Are You Crying?" and
The boy replies, "Because A One Pound Coin Hit Me On The Head."
The Irishman then drops a two pound coin and goes down after it.
When he does he sees a little girl crying.
He says,"Why Are You Crying?" and
The girl says, Because A Two Pound Coin Hit Me On The Head.
The English man dropped a bomb and he goes down after it, but, this time, he finds a boy LAUGHING.
he asks, "What happened, Why Are You Laughing?" and
the boy replies, "My Daddy Farted And The House Behind Him Blew Up!!"

Time to buy lunch from the deli??

Three depressed bricklayers, one English, one Scottish and one Irish -
were having lunch at the top of some scaffolding one day when the klaxon sounded to indicate lunchtime.

The English bricklayer opened his lunch box and discovered, much to his dismay, that he had spam sandwiches for lunch.

"Not spam again, I hate it. If I get spam sandwiches again tomorrow I swear I shall leap off the scaffolding and kill myself", he exclaimed.

"Count yourself lucky", replied the Scottish bricklayer, "I've got cheese sandwiches and I hate those.
I'll be jumping off with you if I get them again".

"Me too", said the Irishman, "I've got tuna and I really don't like fish.
If I have tuna again tomorrow I'll be following the pair of you."

The next day came around and the English bricklayer duly opened up his lunchbox to again see the dreaded spam sandwiches.

"Right, I'm serious," he announced, "this is the very last straw", and with that he threw himself off the scaffolding and plummeted to his death on the concrete below.

Next, the Scottish bricklayer opened his box to find it contained cheese sandwiches. The Scot was as good as his word and flung himself off the scaffolding to his death.

Finally, the Irish bricklayer discovered tuna sandwiches in his lunchbox, and he too leapt to his death on the pavement below.

The three funerals were held together a few days later, and the three widows got talking to each other.

"I wish my husband had talked to me about the situation, I'd have packed him something else if I realised he hated spam that much," said the widow of the English bricklayer.

"Yes, I'm amazed my husband didn't talk to me either.

I thought he liked cheese sandwiches when he actually hated them so much he was prepared to kill himself", replied the Scottish widow.

There was a pause and the two women looked towards the widow of the Irish bricklayer.

"Well, I don't understand it at all," the Irish widow chipped in, "My husband always packed his own lunch."