Batty the Bat

A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in freshblood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
It didn't take long before the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave withhundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't!"

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are regular golfing buddies.
They usually play on Saturday, but this week it is not possible so they change to Sunday and have to fit in with the normal Sunday players.
Things start out okay when they all meet at the specified time at the clubrooms, and the short walk to the first tee.
Then it starts to go downhill fast.
They are waiting at the first tee when they notice the foursome in front of them is made up completely of terrible players.
They miss the ball completely.
They hit into the rough and sand traps repeatedly.
And even at times walk into each other.
After fifteen minutes of waiting to tee off, they have had enough.
The doctor grabs the starter and asks, "Aren't you going to do something about this? These guys are slowing down the whole course!"
The starter replies, "Oh, those are the blind firemen.
They are regulars here, and always play at this time.
Last winter there was a terrible fire in the clubhouse.
These men responded and saved the building but in the process were blinded
by some unknown agent in the smoke.
As a token of appreciation the owner allows them to play for free."

After a pause the doctor said. "That's really horrible. You know, I have a friend who is the best ophthalmologist in the country. I'm sure he could examine these fine men to determine if anything can be done."

The lawyer said, "This sounds like a clear case of negligence on the contractor using hazardous materials. I will take up their cause immediately."

The ever practical engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Busy airport,

Passengers on a commercial airliner, waiting for the pilot to so they can get under way.

Finally... the pilot and copilot appear at the back(?) of the plane and make their way to the cockpit via the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind(?);

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle.

The copilot is using a guide dog.

Both have their eyes covered with very dark glasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. (Is it April 1st?)

After a few minutes though, with the engines start revving, the airplane begins taxiing down the runway.

No explanation,... No punch line...

The passengers glance uneasily around.

They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the plane starts accelerating rapidly.

The people begin panicking.

Some passengers are praying.

As the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in pitch as everyone screams at once.

At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot:

"You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"