Mrs Jones is taking the grade seven science class and this week they are discussing the different elements and their properties.
After drawing the periodic table on the blackboard, and discussing the differences she turns and asks the class to select the element they would like to have 1 kilo. of, and why they selected that item.
Little Donny is first to raise his hand and said, "Gee whiz Mrs Jones.. I think I would like 1 kg. of pure gold. I choose gold because it is very valuable and I could buy myself a bright yellow Ferari."
"Well done" said Mrs Jones who then asked Little Susie what she would like.
"Ooohhhh.. "I want platinum Mrs Jones, 'Cos platinum is even better'n gold. Then I could get me a nice shiny red Corvette"
"That sounds lovely" smiled Mrs Jones.
She then shuddered to herself as she asked Little Johnny the same question.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I guess the best choice has to be silicon."
Mrs Jones did not expect such an unusual choice, "Why is that Johnny?"
Johnny smiled, "Cos my mom has just two little bags of silicon. WOW.... You wouldn' believe all the fancy cars out front of our house!"
Showing posts with label School and Teacher. Show all posts
Showing posts with label School and Teacher. Show all posts
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Big Words for Little Johnny
As you all know, Little Johnny always manages to say or do something to embarrase his teachers or parents. If it is not his questions or answers, it is his unique way of dealing with situations.
This week at school the teacher is introducing compound and multi-syllable words to the children.
She writes several examples on the black board and then asks if they can add some of their own.
Little Susie suggests "Kan-Ga-Roo."
"Excellent", says Mrs Jones.
Little Jamie adds "Croc-O-Dile"
"Well done", says Mrs Jones.
Meanwhile Little Johnny is waving madly at the back of the class. "Pick me. I gotta good one"
Mrs Jones shudders:"Okay, Little Johnny, what word would you like to add?"
"Mas-Tur-Bate." says Little Johnny
Mrs Jones smile to herself, "Hmm, Now little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
"Nah, Mrs Jones" says Little Johnny "You're thinking of a blowjob".
This week at school the teacher is introducing compound and multi-syllable words to the children.
She writes several examples on the black board and then asks if they can add some of their own.
Little Susie suggests "Kan-Ga-Roo."
"Excellent", says Mrs Jones.
Little Jamie adds "Croc-O-Dile"
"Well done", says Mrs Jones.
Meanwhile Little Johnny is waving madly at the back of the class. "Pick me. I gotta good one"
Mrs Jones shudders:"Okay, Little Johnny, what word would you like to add?"
"Mas-Tur-Bate." says Little Johnny
Mrs Jones smile to herself, "Hmm, Now little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
"Nah, Mrs Jones" says Little Johnny "You're thinking of a blowjob".
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
MATHS HOMEWORK
Little Johnny is busily doing his homework, muttering to himself as he does it.
When he gets to his math homework his mother overhears him doing his additions "Seven plus five, that son of a bitch is twelve. Three plus five, that son of a bitch is eight."
"Hey Johnny. That is not a nice way to talk. What is all that talk about?" she said
Johnny mumbled, "I'm just doing my homework Mum."
"I am sure that is not the way you talk in class Johnny?" said Mum.
"Yeah Mum. This is the way the teacher says it." he answered.
Shocked, and a bit curious Johnny's mum takes him to school the next day, and calls the teacher aside to get an explanation. "Mrs Jones, What are you teaching the children in maths class?"
"Mainly we are covering simple addition". she replied "Why? You seem upset."
Johnny's mother asked, "And, as part of math, do you teach them to say things like five plus five, that son of a bitch is ten?"
Mrs Jones roared with laughter. It took a while before she could answer with, "What I taught them was, five plus five, the sum of which is ten. I can't imagine where he could have learned the other!!"
When he gets to his math homework his mother overhears him doing his additions "Seven plus five, that son of a bitch is twelve. Three plus five, that son of a bitch is eight."
"Hey Johnny. That is not a nice way to talk. What is all that talk about?" she said
Johnny mumbled, "I'm just doing my homework Mum."
"I am sure that is not the way you talk in class Johnny?" said Mum.
"Yeah Mum. This is the way the teacher says it." he answered.
Shocked, and a bit curious Johnny's mum takes him to school the next day, and calls the teacher aside to get an explanation. "Mrs Jones, What are you teaching the children in maths class?"
"Mainly we are covering simple addition". she replied "Why? You seem upset."
Johnny's mother asked, "And, as part of math, do you teach them to say things like five plus five, that son of a bitch is ten?"
Mrs Jones roared with laughter. It took a while before she could answer with, "What I taught them was, five plus five, the sum of which is ten. I can't imagine where he could have learned the other!!"
Monday, May 30, 2011
The Experiment
Mr Johnson liked to entertain his chemistry class with hands on style experiments.
And he tries to have a moral to the experience as well as the straight out classroom learning.
On this particular day he has on his desk a glass of water, a glass of vodka, and two worms. He hopes to teach the children of the "evils of drink".
The children are all asked to watch carefully as he places one worm into each glass.
The worm in the water wriggles and squirms as it floats to the bottom, and then sets about looking for a way out.
The worm in the vodka writhes in obvious agony before sinking to the bottom. Dead.
Mr Johnson then asks "What can we learn from this"?
He receives several mediocre responses about the difference between the two liquids from the class while carefully avoiding Little Johnny who is madly waving his hand in the air.
Finally Little Johnny can't hold back and blurts. "I know the answer.. If ya drink Vodka ya wont get worms..."
And he tries to have a moral to the experience as well as the straight out classroom learning.
On this particular day he has on his desk a glass of water, a glass of vodka, and two worms. He hopes to teach the children of the "evils of drink".
The children are all asked to watch carefully as he places one worm into each glass.
The worm in the water wriggles and squirms as it floats to the bottom, and then sets about looking for a way out.
The worm in the vodka writhes in obvious agony before sinking to the bottom. Dead.
Mr Johnson then asks "What can we learn from this"?
He receives several mediocre responses about the difference between the two liquids from the class while carefully avoiding Little Johnny who is madly waving his hand in the air.
Finally Little Johnny can't hold back and blurts. "I know the answer.. If ya drink Vodka ya wont get worms..."
Monday, May 23, 2011
How To Sell Toothbrushes
There was a long weekend coming up and the teacher decided it was a good chance to extend the economics class into a real life situation.
She set the class the task of selling something during the break, and then giving a talk on their sales technique.
The following Monday the kids were all back in class and eager to tell how it went.
First up was little Mary.. "I'm a girl scout and I sold cookies. I made $52.25. I set out to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Well done," said the teacher.
Next came Little Annie.. "I sold magazines from my father's newsagency," she said, "I made $55.00 I explained that the magazines were educational and informative."
"Very good, Annie," said the teacher.
And so it went until it was little Johny's turn.. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny strode to the front of the classroom and his lunch box on the teacher's desk. "$1,367.00," he whooped, grinning from ear to ear.
"$1,367.00," cried the teacher, "How?? Who?? What on Earth were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny earnestly.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"Easy... I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,
"I set up a Dip and Chip stand and I gave everybody a free sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like s#@%!"
Then I would say, "It is s#@%. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
She set the class the task of selling something during the break, and then giving a talk on their sales technique.
The following Monday the kids were all back in class and eager to tell how it went.
First up was little Mary.. "I'm a girl scout and I sold cookies. I made $52.25. I set out to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Well done," said the teacher.
Next came Little Annie.. "I sold magazines from my father's newsagency," she said, "I made $55.00 I explained that the magazines were educational and informative."
"Very good, Annie," said the teacher.
And so it went until it was little Johny's turn.. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny strode to the front of the classroom and his lunch box on the teacher's desk. "$1,367.00," he whooped, grinning from ear to ear.
"$1,367.00," cried the teacher, "How?? Who?? What on Earth were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny earnestly.
"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"Easy... I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,
"I set up a Dip and Chip stand and I gave everybody a free sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like s#@%!"
Then I would say, "It is s#@%. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
Saturday, March 19, 2011
7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 1,
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 6,
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 5,
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 3,
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 2,
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
Friday, November 27, 2009
Catholic Scholls
Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card..
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little
Zachary got an 'A' in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity..
She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no..
'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?
WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said,
'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card..
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little
Zachary got an 'A' in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity..
She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no..
'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?
WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said,
'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Boys & Girls
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother "...please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."
So, Johnny’s mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
"OK, now take off my skirt..." And he takes off her skirt.
"Now, take off my bra..." Which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties..."
And when Johnny finishes removing these, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!
What were you thinking?
So, Johnny’s mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
"OK, now take off my skirt..." And he takes off her skirt.
"Now, take off my bra..." Which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties..."
And when Johnny finishes removing these, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!
What were you thinking?
Saturday, August 22, 2009
How to get to Heaven from Ireland
The young teacher was testing the children in a Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
She asked them,
'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'No!' By now she was starting to smile.
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'No!'.
She was just bursting with pride for them.
Then how can I get into heaven?'
Little Johnny shouted from down the back.. " YUV GOTTA BE FUCKN' DEAD.........."
She asked them,
'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'No!' By now she was starting to smile.
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'No!'.
She was just bursting with pride for them.
Then how can I get into heaven?'
Little Johnny shouted from down the back.. " YUV GOTTA BE FUCKN' DEAD.........."
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Professional Parents
Little Johnny attends a ritzy private school in London.
One morning the teacher asked the children to stand up and tell the others what their father did for a living.
One by one the children complied.
All the typical answers came out, Doctor, Policeman, Lawyer, OIC, Member of Parliament, etc, but Little Johnny at the back seemed reluctant to join in.
Finally, when all the other children were finished, the teacher asked him about his father.
Little Johnny stood up and looked uncharacteristically embarrassed.
Looking at his feet he started...
“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club. He takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Johnny aside. This was a major revelation. Possibly notifiable.
He sat Johnny down and asked him if that was really true.
“No” said Johnny, “I made it all up. He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say.”
One morning the teacher asked the children to stand up and tell the others what their father did for a living.
One by one the children complied.
All the typical answers came out, Doctor, Policeman, Lawyer, OIC, Member of Parliament, etc, but Little Johnny at the back seemed reluctant to join in.
Finally, when all the other children were finished, the teacher asked him about his father.
Little Johnny stood up and looked uncharacteristically embarrassed.
Looking at his feet he started...
“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club. He takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Johnny aside. This was a major revelation. Possibly notifiable.
He sat Johnny down and asked him if that was really true.
“No” said Johnny, “I made it all up. He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say.”
Thursday, April 9, 2009
7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 1,
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
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