Always tell the truth (Mayor of Gizmos Furry Butt)

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.

There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."

He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law
If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it..
Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Getting high

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Good Advice

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Me first...

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Hitch-hiker

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.