Pepsi Crash

A cargo plane loaded with Pepsi was flying over deepest, darkest Africa.
Suddenly the engine coughed, spluttered and stopped, and the plane crashed into the jungle
The Pepsi company immediately sent out some rescuers to recover the cargo and save the pilot and crew. Unfortunatley they crash site was discovered by a tribe of cannibals and the crew ended up in the stew.
A few weeks later the rescue team find the plane but are worried about the absense of the crew and cargo. They continue searching the jungle and finally find the cannibal village.
The cheif is delighted to have more "visitors" and happily answers their questions.
It does not take long for the rescuers to learn of the demise of the crew.
They asked the chief if he had seen the crew and the Pepsi. The chief said"Yep, we ate the crew and drank the Pepsi."
And they are further dismayed that there does not appear to be anything left to take back to the family
The rescuers aked "My gosh, did you eateverything?"
The chief answered "Yep, All gone."
"What? You ate their arms?"
""Yep, we ate the arms and washed them down with the Pepsi."
"And did you eat their legs?"
"Yep, we ate their legs and washed them down with the Pepsi."
'What about the ears?"
"Yep, we ate their ears and washed them down with the Pepsi."
The rescuer then said:"I hate to ask you, but did you eat their--you know--things?"

Chief said: "Heck no, Things go better with Coke."

Models in an aircrash disaster

Three gorgeous models, One Blonde, One Brunette, and One Redhead are travelling first class to a conference in Paris.
Suddenly the Captain of the plane emerges from the cockpit and announces: "Please prepare for an emergency crash landing. Damage occurred in the patch of turbulence we just passed through, and we have lost power to all engines - please assume the brace position immediately!"
The stewards will help you with any questions you have and direct you with the required procedures.
(Remember, we are dealing with dipsy models here).
The three young women look at each other and start preparing for the worst.
The Blonde quickly pulls out some lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face up. Bewildered, The Air Steward asks: "What in the hell are you doing? There is no time to fix up your make-up-we are about to crash!" The Blonde responds: “Well I know for a fact that the rescue workers will look for, and rescue first, the best looking survivors—this is why I am putting on my make-up.”
Immediately The Redhead rips open her blouse to expose her breasts which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.
”OMG” shouts the steward: “Have you lost your mind?? We are about to die!”
The Redhead responds: “I have it on good authority that in plane crashes, the rescue workers look for, and save the women with big beautiful breasts first—this is why I am exposing my Breasts!”
Not to be outdone, The Brunette pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her female “love triangle.”
Now totally at a loss and freaking out, the poor steward shouts: “ Are your f……g crazy?? Why are you exposing your snatch for everyone to see??”
Calmly, The Brunette responds: ", PUULLEEEEASE!
I know for a fact that the first thing the rescue workers always look for in plane crashes is the black box!!"

Irish Driver

Paddy was driving home from the pub one night.
All of a sudden he sees a tree in the middle of the road.
Swerving to miss it, he sees another tree.
He swerves to miss that one as well.
All of a sudden, there's another tree.
Then another, and another.
Each time Paddy swerves and misses the tree.
A copper sees Paddy swerving all over the road and pulls him over.
Damn Paddy, the copper says, are you drunk.
So Padd proceeds to tell the copper about the trees in the middle of the road.
For f***s sake Paddy, the copper says.
Thats your air freshener.

Tragedy

Alexander Downer (Aussie politician) was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Downer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the seasoned politician asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'

No, said Alexander - that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

I'm afraid not, explained Alexander - that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Alexander searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Suzy raised her hand...

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mr John Howard was struck by a friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Alexander Downer. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Suzy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*kc1ng accident either!

The Hypnotist (Mayor of Putridville)

It was opening night at the theatre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

One Really Good Deed

This young, average looking guy arrives at the Pearly Gates.
He waits patiently to be admitted while St. Peter leafs through his Big Book of Names, Places & Deeds.

He has to do this for every new arrival..
Checking to see if the guy has earned entry to heaven or about to take the other long lonely walk .
Saint Peter looks concerned..
He goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and then looks up at the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says,
"Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl.
I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing.
There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang.
He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime!
You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."