Carmen (mayor of Pie Corner)

The buxom blonde scanned the guests at a party until she noticed an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him shyly and said. "Hello,  My name is Carmen," .
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, and thinking he might have a chance here.  "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.  What's your name?" she asked.
He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf."

Irish Golfer ( Mayor ofJotown)

An Aussie golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want...a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the Australian golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guys says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf. If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know they were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

Submitted by Sr. Wink, Younkers, NY

Welcome to Heaven.

An 85 year old couple, died in a car crash.
This ended a happy marriage of nearly 65 years.
Both had maintained good health throughout their years, and particularly in later life because of her passion for healthy food, and regular exercise.

They reached the pearly gates together.
St. Peter welcomed them in, and escorted them personally to their new home.
A beautiful but simple mansion, set in easily maintained gardens and a view overlooking the sea in one direction and snow topped mountains in the other.
There was a Chef's kitchen, already stocked with every appliance the woman had ever wanted.
A huge king sized bed stood centrally in the bedroom and a luxurious ensuite with jacuzzi and every perfume, bubble bath ever created was available for use.
They were over-awed. Eventually, when the gentleman caught his breath he asked St Peter what this was going to cost.
St Peter replied, "It's all free, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the grounds and for the husband, the championship golf course directly behind.
Apparently the home came with daily golfing access priveledges and the course itself updated regularly to replicate famous Earthly courses to avoid any tedium and the need to travel.
Again the rather sceptical old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
St Peter again replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!You earned the right to all of this during your lives on Earth" St Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
St Peter explained, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
St Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Cell phones (mayor of Jotown)

A man is in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone rings, he engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk....

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: How much?"

WOMAN: $60,000.

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000."

WOMAN: "OK. This is surely my luckiest day. I love you! Honey"

MAN: "Bye, I love you too."

When he just hangs up, another man enters the locker room and asks the first man, "Have you seen my cell phone?"

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are regular golfing buddies.
They usually play on Saturday, but this week it is not possible so they change to Sunday and have to fit in with the normal Sunday players.
Things start out okay when they all meet at the specified time at the clubrooms, and the short walk to the first tee.
Then it starts to go downhill fast.
They are waiting at the first tee when they notice the foursome in front of them is made up completely of terrible players.
They miss the ball completely.
They hit into the rough and sand traps repeatedly.
And even at times walk into each other.
After fifteen minutes of waiting to tee off, they have had enough.
The doctor grabs the starter and asks, "Aren't you going to do something about this? These guys are slowing down the whole course!"
The starter replies, "Oh, those are the blind firemen.
They are regulars here, and always play at this time.
Last winter there was a terrible fire in the clubhouse.
These men responded and saved the building but in the process were blinded
by some unknown agent in the smoke.
As a token of appreciation the owner allows them to play for free."

After a pause the doctor said. "That's really horrible. You know, I have a friend who is the best ophthalmologist in the country. I'm sure he could examine these fine men to determine if anything can be done."

The lawyer said, "This sounds like a clear case of negligence on the contractor using hazardous materials. I will take up their cause immediately."

The ever practical engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Sam and Becky

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Sam says to her, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know.
Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan?
Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me!
I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.
So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you?
Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it!
Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life.
I couldn't have a more wonderful wife.
To do such a thing, you must really love me darling.
I couldn't be more moved.
So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"

4 Friends

These four friends have golfed together every Sat. morning for years. One of them is 15 minutes late every so often. He is also ambidextrous - sometimes he plays right handed, sometimes left. But he always wins. One day, one of the other three finally decides to ask him. "How do you know whether to play right or left handed?"

The guy replies. "Well, you guys know I am married to a 21 year old former stripper, right? Well, she sleeps completely naked. Every saturday morning, I tiptoe around to get ready for golf so as not to wake her. The last thing I do before I leave is check to see if she is covered. If she is sleeping on her left side, I play left handed. If she is on her right side, I play right handed."

His friend asks "What if she's sleeping on her back?"

"Well, those are the days I'm 15 minutes late!"

THE GOLFING NUN.......

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior.
"I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister.
" And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed.
"So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister.
"In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
"You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother.
A 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life.
I creamed it.
The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother.
"How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister.
"While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister.
"And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"