ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION..

Fred is heading into town to pick up some supplies and attend the stock auctions to get some new stock.
Betty, his dipsy blonde wife is staying home to look after things while he is away.
Then the phone rings, and Victor the local vet is calling to tell Fred that he is coming out to inseminate the mare this afternoon.
Fred is worried. Betty is great in the "wife" department, but she is certainly mentally challenged in the farming area.
And this is important stuff. The vet charges like a wounded bull and he has been waiting ages to get this mare in foal. He just can't afford to delay, But he doesn't want to miss the sale either. There are a few good looking beasts being auctioned..
Fred takes Betty aside and explains what the vet is coming for and that he will mark the correct stall with a big nail in the door so they can easily tell which mare is to be serviced. She just needs to take the vet out to the stables and find the marked stall.
Betty seems to understand and Fred goes to town with his mind at rest.
Right on time the vet arrrives and Betty dutifully shows him the way to the stables and they walk together down the row of doors 'til she finds the one with the nail.
She points to the mare "That's the one" she tells the vet and turns to return to the house
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks. Betty shrugs "I guess its to hang up your pants."

Coffee

Suzie is blonde and she is soo pleased she finally found a nice job in an office with some nice people.
Much better than the checkout chick job and the Maccas burger girl job..
The boss said she had to start at the bottom and work her way up.
Cleaner, gofer and general jobber to begin with.
Suzie was ok with that and was determined to make a good impression.
She did a great job in the morning and swept the floors and dusted the desks,
She even cleaned the bosses office.
The next task was to go to the nearby cafe for coffee.
Suzie went downstairs and straight to the coffee shop.
She didn't even glance into the shoe store or at the gorgeous red dress in the shop window.
Well maybe a glance, but she kept on walking..
She really wanted to get it right on her first day at this job.
She stoood patiently at the counter with her Thermos until the waiter finished with the people in front.
Then she help up the Thermos and asked if it was big enough for 6 cups of coffee.
The waiter checked the size on the bottom and agreed it was big enough.
Suzie was delighted.. "Great" she said. Can I have Two Cappuccinos, Two Short Black and Two Lattes.

LEAVING EARLY

LEAVING EARLY
A Redhead, a Brunette, and a Blonde work together in an office with an attractive female boss.
They notice the boss leaves early every day, Sometimes as early as lunch time and does not return til the next morning.
They get together and decide they can make the most of this, Just wait til she leaves and they can take the rest of the day off. The boss will never know will she. After all, she had never phoned in, or returned once she left. How would she know they went home early?
They decide that just in case something should go wrong they will try out their plan one at a time.
The Brunette gets to go first and she has a great afernoon at the park with her kids and an early night.
The Redhead was next. She went shopping in town and then organised a trip to the theatre with her partner.
Finally it was the Blondes turn. She decided to go home early and surprise her husband with his favourite home cooked meal. She gathered the groceries and hurried home to slip into something more comfortable but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was horrified to see her husband in bed with of all people, her boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, during coffee break, the Brunette and Redhead decide to leave early again and ask if the Blonde was going to go with them. "No way," the Blonde rlies. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Milkman Dilemma

A milkman comes across an order for 45 pints of milk. Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake. When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out with just a bath towel around her.

She confirms that she wants 45 pints. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.

"Oh, OK," says the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?"

"No," says the woman. "Up to my tits will be fine."

Blonde IT Expert

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

Naked Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.
He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this? '
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....
'I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
‘We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
‘Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
‘Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
‘Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy!!!!!!!!’
'And here I am.'

Blonde Men do exist

Bar bet

Two guys, one blonde, the other brunette, were in a bar, and both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. “I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the brunette. “Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the blonde guy. “Your on!”, The guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The blonde guy sadly digs in his pocket and hands the brunette the money. “I can’t take your money,” said the brunette. “I cheated you. I saw this story on the five o’clock news.” “No, no. Take it,” said the blonde guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess.

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

*1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are. *

*2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think*

Farmer and the Pretty Lady (Mayor of Dustbowl)

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a
short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The young lady said, "Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the friggen chickens!"

Indecent exposurre

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.

A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

The Blonde & The Mechanic (courtesy Mayor of Putridville)

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."

After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says: "What's the story?"

He replies: "Just shit in the carburettor."

She then asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Cat Tails (Mayot of Bearizona Heights)

A blonde was whipper snippering her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed the animal, along with its severed tail to her nearest Woolworths.

The manger looked at her in horror and asked, "Why Woolworths?"

"Hellooo!" the blonde cried, "Woolworths is the largest retailer in Australia!"

Blonde on Millionaire (mayor of Jotown)

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

Blondes in the casino

Two blonde friends, Jenny and Jane, went together to play the slot machines at the casino.

The blondes agreed that when their allotted gambling money was gone, she would go sit on the beach and wait for the other to finish gambling.

Jane quickly lost all of her money and went to sit on the beach.

The blonde patiently waited and waited and waited and waited on the beach.

After what seemed an eternity, she saw her blonde friend Jenny coming toward her carrying a huge sack of coins!

“Hey, Jane,” said Jenny, “how’d you do?”

“Well, Jenny”, said Jane, “you see me here on the beach, what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though.”

“Oh yeah,” said Jenny, “did I find a good slot machine! It’s way in the back. I’ll show it to you, you can’t lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!!”

which Door (mayor of Jotown)

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Overseer Dilemma

The new house was almost complete. Just the finishing touches were being ironed out.
The site overseer was onsite with the new owner discussing finer details.
The colour scheme for the rooms was the current task. They walked from room to room.
For the kitchen she asked for a nice shade of blue. The contractor wrote this down and then quickly walked to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the master bedroom she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked quickly to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the 2nd bedroom she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked quickly to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
She couldn't control her curiosity.. She had to ask.. "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying turf at the house across the street.

One Eyed (courtesy Mayor of Putridville)

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"

Magic Mirror (courtesy Mayor of Putridville)

There is a blonde, a brunette and red head, they hear about this mirror in the girls’ bathroom at this restaurant that grants wishes.

You get one wish, but only if you tell the truth, or you go to hell.

So the brunette walks in and says, "I think I am the richest girl, in the world" *poof* she disappears.

So the red head tries, she says, "I think I’m the prettiest girl in the world" *poof* she disappears.

So the blonde goes up and says "I think...." *poof* she disappears.

Models in an aircrash disaster

Three gorgeous models, One Blonde, One Brunette, and One Redhead are travelling first class to a conference in Paris.
Suddenly the Captain of the plane emerges from the cockpit and announces: "Please prepare for an emergency crash landing. Damage occurred in the patch of turbulence we just passed through, and we have lost power to all engines - please assume the brace position immediately!"
The stewards will help you with any questions you have and direct you with the required procedures.
(Remember, we are dealing with dipsy models here).
The three young women look at each other and start preparing for the worst.
The Blonde quickly pulls out some lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face up. Bewildered, The Air Steward asks: "What in the hell are you doing? There is no time to fix up your make-up-we are about to crash!" The Blonde responds: “Well I know for a fact that the rescue workers will look for, and rescue first, the best looking survivors—this is why I am putting on my make-up.”
Immediately The Redhead rips open her blouse to expose her breasts which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.
”OMG” shouts the steward: “Have you lost your mind?? We are about to die!”
The Redhead responds: “I have it on good authority that in plane crashes, the rescue workers look for, and save the women with big beautiful breasts first—this is why I am exposing my Breasts!”
Not to be outdone, The Brunette pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her female “love triangle.”
Now totally at a loss and freaking out, the poor steward shouts: “ Are your f……g crazy?? Why are you exposing your snatch for everyone to see??”
Calmly, The Brunette responds: ", PUULLEEEEASE!
I know for a fact that the first thing the rescue workers always look for in plane crashes is the black box!!"

New Exercise Program (Mayor of Ramadi Heights)

NEW EXERCISE PROGRAM

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at
each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your
sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute
and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Next, try 50-lb potato bags. Eventually, try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a
full minute.

(I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.