Strange Funeral..

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a leash.
Behind him were 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog here, he attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"Asks the first man.

"Get in line."

Cost of flying

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

'$10 for 3 minutes,' replied the pilot.
'That's too much,' said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, 'I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10.'

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, 'I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.'

'Maybe so,' said the farmer, 'But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time ...
"Priceless!"

Time to buy lunch from the deli??

Three depressed bricklayers, one English, one Scottish and one Irish -
were having lunch at the top of some scaffolding one day when the klaxon sounded to indicate lunchtime.

The English bricklayer opened his lunch box and discovered, much to his dismay, that he had spam sandwiches for lunch.

"Not spam again, I hate it. If I get spam sandwiches again tomorrow I swear I shall leap off the scaffolding and kill myself", he exclaimed.

"Count yourself lucky", replied the Scottish bricklayer, "I've got cheese sandwiches and I hate those.
I'll be jumping off with you if I get them again".

"Me too", said the Irishman, "I've got tuna and I really don't like fish.
If I have tuna again tomorrow I'll be following the pair of you."

The next day came around and the English bricklayer duly opened up his lunchbox to again see the dreaded spam sandwiches.

"Right, I'm serious," he announced, "this is the very last straw", and with that he threw himself off the scaffolding and plummeted to his death on the concrete below.

Next, the Scottish bricklayer opened his box to find it contained cheese sandwiches. The Scot was as good as his word and flung himself off the scaffolding to his death.

Finally, the Irish bricklayer discovered tuna sandwiches in his lunchbox, and he too leapt to his death on the pavement below.

The three funerals were held together a few days later, and the three widows got talking to each other.

"I wish my husband had talked to me about the situation, I'd have packed him something else if I realised he hated spam that much," said the widow of the English bricklayer.

"Yes, I'm amazed my husband didn't talk to me either.

I thought he liked cheese sandwiches when he actually hated them so much he was prepared to kill himself", replied the Scottish widow.

There was a pause and the two women looked towards the widow of the Irish bricklayer.

"Well, I don't understand it at all," the Irish widow chipped in, "My husband always packed his own lunch."

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought..
Well, that's marriage for you,

But the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss, Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said,
'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bed room and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked.