Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn`t you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell `convenience, so I made it 'risk'."
Showing posts with label Married. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Married. Show all posts
Monday, June 6, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Practical Jokers
The wedding date was set and the bucks night was arrangedincluding all the usual pranks, but Bob had three special mates who were real practical jokers. They didn't want such a special night to go without some reminder of them.
One was a carpenter, one was an electricial and the third was a dentist. The three of them put their heads together to decide what they could do to the newly weds on their wedding night.
The carpenter suggested sawing the slats of their bed.. That would be a "surprise".
The electricial thought that they could add a bit of "tingle" to their evening by running some wires to the springs in the mattress and connecting it to a battery hidden under the bed.
The dentist just grinned and commented that he could really make the night memorable.
Everything went as planned. The bride looked lovely and the husband was handsome and smiling as they left the wedding reception for their honeymoon.
Several days later, the three friends received a message from the newly weds.
DEAR FRIENDS,
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A TEMPORARY SETBACK. HAVING THE BED SLATS SAWN WAS EASILY FIXED BY MOVING THE MATTRESS TO THE FLOOR.BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVACAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!"
One was a carpenter, one was an electricial and the third was a dentist. The three of them put their heads together to decide what they could do to the newly weds on their wedding night.
The carpenter suggested sawing the slats of their bed.. That would be a "surprise".
The electricial thought that they could add a bit of "tingle" to their evening by running some wires to the springs in the mattress and connecting it to a battery hidden under the bed.
The dentist just grinned and commented that he could really make the night memorable.
Everything went as planned. The bride looked lovely and the husband was handsome and smiling as they left the wedding reception for their honeymoon.
Several days later, the three friends received a message from the newly weds.
DEAR FRIENDS,
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A TEMPORARY SETBACK. HAVING THE BED SLATS SAWN WAS EASILY FIXED BY MOVING THE MATTRESS TO THE FLOOR.BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVACAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!"
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Anything for love
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.
However, she remembers what her boss told her,...don't reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions.
First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
"The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man,
"I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea.
A sure-to-work condition.
She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,
"Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.
"The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.
However, she remembers what her boss told her,...don't reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions.
First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
"The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man,
"I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea.
A sure-to-work condition.
She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,
"Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.
"The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Sean and his money (courtesy Mayor of Putridville)
SEAN & THE 65 MILLION
Sean was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Sean was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Marriage made in heaven
A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter. "My fiance and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again."
Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer."
Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."
The couple got married.
Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven. St. Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again."
Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer."
Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."
The couple got married.
Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven. St. Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"
Sunday, June 7, 2009
The Black Panties (Mayor of Pooltown)
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit-
but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet.."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend away..
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same- she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit-
but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.."
Angelina and Giuseppi (courtesy Mayor of Putridville)
Angelina and Giuseppi were standing before the judge in divorce court.
Angelina says, "Your honor, we benna marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he'always pickna his nose ana when we maka love he's a never letsa me on top. I just canna taka dis anymore."
The judge listens solemnly then addresses Giuseppi.
"Giuseppi, isa dis true? You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top? What you gotta say fora yourself?"
Giuseppi says, "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be on da bottom. Itsa all go'sa back to when I'ma young boy.
My poppa, he'sa very smarta man.
I always follow ev'ryting he say.
My poppa one day he says, 'Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life. Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw up.
Angelina says, "Your honor, we benna marry 25 years ana Giuseppi he'always pickna his nose ana when we maka love he's a never letsa me on top. I just canna taka dis anymore."
The judge listens solemnly then addresses Giuseppi.
"Giuseppi, isa dis true? You always a picka your nose and you never let Angelina on top? What you gotta say fora yourself?"
Giuseppi says, "Well your honor, itsa true. I picka my nose a lot and, yeah, Angelina, I tella her she'sa gotta be on da bottom. Itsa all go'sa back to when I'ma young boy.
My poppa, he'sa very smarta man.
I always follow ev'ryting he say.
My poppa one day he says, 'Giuseppi, I gotta tella you da two main secrets ofa hava successful life. Number one, you always keepa your nose clean. Ana number two, never screw up.
Office Party (Mayor of Ramadi Heights)
John woke up after the annual office new year party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'
'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'
'He's an idiot,' John said. 'Piss on him.'
'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'
'Well, screw him!' said John.
'I did. You're back to work on Monday.'
'Louise,' he moaned, 'tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?'
'Even worse,' she said, her voice oozing scorn. 'You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.'
'He's an idiot,' John said. 'Piss on him.'
'You did', came the reply. 'And he fired you.'
'Well, screw him!' said John.
'I did. You're back to work on Monday.'
Who is that? (mayor of Jotown)
After returning home from his honeymoon the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about it.
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery"
"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery"
Monday, June 1, 2009
Installing a husband (Mayor of Erlenweg)
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck !
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck !
Tech Support
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Still a Virgin...
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Friday, April 24, 2009
Him v Her (Mayor of Erlenweg)
Married 32 years, He took a look at his wife one day and said,
"Honey, 32 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 20-year-old.
Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 52-year-old woman.
You're not holding up your side of things."
She is a very reasonable woman.
She had no problems with that.
She told him to go out and find a hot 20-year-old blonde to sleep with. (If the fat slob could find one silly enough to agree.)
She could make sure that he would be back living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.
"Honey, 32 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 20-year-old.
Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 52-year-old woman.
You're not holding up your side of things."
She is a very reasonable woman.
She had no problems with that.
She told him to go out and find a hot 20-year-old blonde to sleep with. (If the fat slob could find one silly enough to agree.)
She could make sure that he would be back living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black-and-white TV.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Sex Vs. Dancing
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counselling.
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks,"Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have (he spells it out) s e x?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. Then he spells out the s e x is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing."
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks,"Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have (he spells it out) s e x?"
"Of course!" replies the rabbi. Then he spells out the s e x is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"
"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing."
Thursday, April 9, 2009
The Good Husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time ...
"Priceless!"
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time ...
"Priceless!"
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down, to find her husband holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids.'
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down, to find her husband holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids.'
Monday, April 6, 2009
New Sex Study...
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
MARRIAGE
Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,
' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,
'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
*****************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there
Is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,
' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,
'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
*****************************************
God may have created man before woman, but there
Is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Fred and Mary
Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks,
'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies,
'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies,
'No.'
Johnny says,
'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies,
'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says,
'No.'
He asks,
'Do you know what I think?'
His mom, is getting a bit tired of this silly game and replies,
'Ok then, now tell me what you think'
He says:
'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks,
'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies,
'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
She replies,
'No.'
Johnny says,
'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies,
'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'
His mom says,
'No.'
He asks,
'Do you know what I think?'
His mom, is getting a bit tired of this silly game and replies,
'Ok then, now tell me what you think'
He says:
'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'
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