Sean and his money (courtesy Mayor of Putridville)

SEAN & THE 65 MILLION

Sean was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Dear Drinks (Mayor of Ramadi Heights)

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

Death in Fruit and Veg

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with an infamous underworld figure who went by the name of Artie.

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.00.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front.
The husband opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Supermarket.
There, he surprised her in the Fruit and Veg Department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the Manager of the Fruit and Veg department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the Manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's Security Guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:-

[You're going to hate me for this]




















"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT LOCAL SUPERMARKET"

Italian father (Mayor of Jotown)

An 17-year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she was pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature, distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

Pay rise

There was a Pastor whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Pastor's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Pastor stood up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

Cost of flying

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

'$10 for 3 minutes,' replied the pilot.
'That's too much,' said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, 'I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10.'

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, 'I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.'

'Maybe so,' said the farmer, 'But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

CHARLIE IS IN ROOM 233 (mayor of Putridville)

Charlie gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'
Charlie replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'
'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?
‘I got a hundred dollar bill on my Dick,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust.
'Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick?'
'Well, I did it for four reasons”, says Charlie.
One, I like to watch my money grow
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'
Charlie is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

MONEY PROBLEMS

I had just returned from overseas and still had a bunch of foreign currency I needed to exchange for real Aussie $$$$$'s.

So I went to the Currency exchange window at the local bank.

Wow, Looking good, Just a short line.

Only one lady in front of me. .. .an elderly Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen
for dollars and she was a little irritated . .

She asked the teller, "Why it chain ?
Yest u day, I get two hunat dolla for yen.
Today I get a hunat eighty??
Why it chain ?"

The frustrated teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Oh I don't know, Fluctuations".

The Asian lady, Now ever more irritable replies, "Yeah, Fluc you white people, too!"