Magic Frog

Jethro goes to his doctor with a BIG problem. He has a 25 inch penis. Not only is it cumbersome and makes dressing difficult, He has had more than one complaint.
"Hey Doc.." he pleads there's got to be something you can do to help.?"
The doctor is sympathetic, but answers, "I'm sorry son, But there is no medical procedure I know of that will do what you want. But, way out in the mountains live Agatha, an old witch who may be able to help." and he gives Jethro some vague directions on how to find his way to where the old crone lives.
Jethro finds the witch and relays his sad story. "Ma'am, my penis is 25 inches long. I need help. Do you have any spell or potion that can make it smaller? You are my only hope."
Agatha stares in amazement, scratches her head, and mutters, "No.. No potion I know can fix that. But maybe I can be of some help. Do this. Go deep into the forest. Look for a beautiful lily pond. In this pond, lives a frog. This frog has strong magic. Call to her and ask, Will you marry me? The frog will answer NO, and for being so impudent will remove 5 inches from your penis."
Jethro is delighted. He dashed into the forest and soon found the pond. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
As promised, the frog looked at him grumpily and replied, "NO."
Jethro looked down and surely enough his penis was 5 inches shorter. "Whoopee," he shouted, But 20 inches was still too much. He asked again. "Frog, will you marry me?" .
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and croaked, "NO!"
Jethro felt another twitch, looked down, another 5 inches shorter. "This is fantastic."
He looked down again, just 15 inches,. BUT.. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back , Shook its head and croaked, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

YELLOW TOAD

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.

Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads," he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes:
"Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown ! Except..... for his weenie, which is still yellow.

"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes okay it's a coincidence, but it's true).

"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with me on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here." she says. And with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.

"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off...........

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you know what's coming don't you ?
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you'll be sorry you ever asked for jokes
after this....
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she flew off, saying.......

"Just follow the yellow-dick toad !!

The Piano Player (Mayor of Camorr)

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar.
Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him; "What the hell is that?"
The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!"
The drunk replied, "You're pulling my leg."
So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons.
Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?"
The guy told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it until a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.
The drunk runs out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish.
In a slur, the drunk asks, "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.
Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing, "You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks, and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit!"
The guy started laughing and said, "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist, do you?"

Magic Mirror (courtesy Mayor of Putridville)

There is a blonde, a brunette and red head, they hear about this mirror in the girls’ bathroom at this restaurant that grants wishes.

You get one wish, but only if you tell the truth, or you go to hell.

So the brunette walks in and says, "I think I am the richest girl, in the world" *poof* she disappears.

So the red head tries, she says, "I think I’m the prettiest girl in the world" *poof* she disappears.

So the blonde goes up and says "I think...." *poof* she disappears.

Cinderella is 95 years old. (mayor of Jotown)

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

Just one wish (mayor of Jotown)

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up & rubbed it, & lo & behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, " Nope, sorry. Three-wish genies are a myth. Most of us are just single types. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other. It will bring about world peace & harmony.

The Genie looked at the map & exclaimed: "Lady, be reasonable! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm, out of shape after being in a bottle for centuries. I'm good but not THAT good! Don't think it can be done. Make another wish & please make it a bit more reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute & said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful...and handsome. That's what I wish for....a good man I can marry and make my mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said "Show me the damn map again!"

Me first...

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.