ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES (TY Ted of Velodromias)

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs: In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree: mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch: flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.

Farmer and the Pretty Lady (Mayor of Dustbowl)

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a
short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The young lady said, "Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the friggen chickens!"

Rubber Balloons.(Mayor of Putridville)

A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious.
Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response.
Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing.
He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond.
Finally, the guy takes another tack.
He unbuttons the girl's blouse, and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says.
"That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!"

Models in an aircrash disaster

Three gorgeous models, One Blonde, One Brunette, and One Redhead are travelling first class to a conference in Paris.
Suddenly the Captain of the plane emerges from the cockpit and announces: "Please prepare for an emergency crash landing. Damage occurred in the patch of turbulence we just passed through, and we have lost power to all engines - please assume the brace position immediately!"
The stewards will help you with any questions you have and direct you with the required procedures.
(Remember, we are dealing with dipsy models here).
The three young women look at each other and start preparing for the worst.
The Blonde quickly pulls out some lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face up. Bewildered, The Air Steward asks: "What in the hell are you doing? There is no time to fix up your make-up-we are about to crash!" The Blonde responds: “Well I know for a fact that the rescue workers will look for, and rescue first, the best looking survivors—this is why I am putting on my make-up.”
Immediately The Redhead rips open her blouse to expose her breasts which inexplicably defy the law of gravity.
”OMG” shouts the steward: “Have you lost your mind?? We are about to die!”
The Redhead responds: “I have it on good authority that in plane crashes, the rescue workers look for, and save the women with big beautiful breasts first—this is why I am exposing my Breasts!”
Not to be outdone, The Brunette pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her female “love triangle.”
Now totally at a loss and freaking out, the poor steward shouts: “ Are your f……g crazy?? Why are you exposing your snatch for everyone to see??”
Calmly, The Brunette responds: ", PUULLEEEEASE!
I know for a fact that the first thing the rescue workers always look for in plane crashes is the black box!!"

Carmen (mayor of Pie Corner)

The buxom blonde scanned the guests at a party until she noticed an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him shyly and said. "Hello,  My name is Carmen," .
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, and thinking he might have a chance here.  "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.  What's your name?" she asked.
He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf."

Mammograms (mayor of Jotown)

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:
Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car.
Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight.
Strip to the waist.
Invite a stranger into the room.
Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.
Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE NOW TOTALLY PREPARED!