YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU

Arthur was RICH. He had worked hard all his life and made a lot of money.
But Arthur was also very, very miserly.
The result of this was he had no family or friends to leave all the money to. And he didn't want to give his money to anyone, anyway. And now Arthur was old and dying. The doctors tell him there is not much time and he should put his affairs in order.
It is just not fair thought Arthur. Why can't I take it with me when i go to Heaven.
So Arthur began praying, and in his prayers he begged that he could take his riches with him.
After some time an angel hears his pleas and appears before Arthur and explains that it is against the rules, he can't take his money with him.
Arthur does not give up easily however. And he is not used to being told NO!
He implores the Angel to ask God if he can bend the rules, "Just a little.
Some time later the Angel returns with the message that God will allow one small suitcase only.
Arthur is overjoyed. He immediately goes to the bank and converts his account to as much gold bullion as he can fit in the suitcase. He returns home and keeps the suitcase beside his bed.
It is not long before Arthur dies and makes his way to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St Peter.
St Peter is a bit taken aback. No-one had ever arrived with a suitcase before.. "Hey there" He said. "You can't bring that in here. It's against the Rules"
Arthur explains and after a quick call St Peter is able to verify the story. Arthur is allowed one piece of "Carry-On luggage
But he tells Arthur that as it is very unusual, he needs to check the contents of the case, before allowing it through.
St. Peter carefully opened the suitcase. Wondering what had been so precious to Arthur he could not leave it behind. Then he closed it again in amazement. It take time before he could find words to speak.
"You are the first person to receive permission to bring something into Heaven. And you bring paving??!!"

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

The young teacher was testing the children in a Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
She asked them,
'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'No!' By now she was starting to smile.
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'No!'.
She was just bursting with pride for them.
Then how can I get into heaven?'
Little Johnny shouted from down the back.. " YUV GOTTA BE FUCKN' DEAD.........."

Sean and his money (courtesy Mayor of Putridville)

SEAN & THE 65 MILLION

Sean was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $65 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Marriage made in heaven

A young couple in love were in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter. "My fiance and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"
St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again."
Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer."
Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."
The couple got married.
Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if their was such a thing as divorce in heaven. St. Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

Death in Fruit and Veg

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with an infamous underworld figure who went by the name of Artie.

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.00.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front.
The husband opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Supermarket.
There, he surprised her in the Fruit and Veg Department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the Manager of the Fruit and Veg department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the Manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's Security Guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:-

[You're going to hate me for this]




















"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT LOCAL SUPERMARKET"

Strange Funeral..

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull dog on a leash.
Behind him were 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog here, he attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"Asks the first man.

"Get in line."

Welcome to Heaven.

An 85 year old couple, died in a car crash.
This ended a happy marriage of nearly 65 years.
Both had maintained good health throughout their years, and particularly in later life because of her passion for healthy food, and regular exercise.

They reached the pearly gates together.
St. Peter welcomed them in, and escorted them personally to their new home.
A beautiful but simple mansion, set in easily maintained gardens and a view overlooking the sea in one direction and snow topped mountains in the other.
There was a Chef's kitchen, already stocked with every appliance the woman had ever wanted.
A huge king sized bed stood centrally in the bedroom and a luxurious ensuite with jacuzzi and every perfume, bubble bath ever created was available for use.
They were over-awed. Eventually, when the gentleman caught his breath he asked St Peter what this was going to cost.
St Peter replied, "It's all free, this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the grounds and for the husband, the championship golf course directly behind.
Apparently the home came with daily golfing access priveledges and the course itself updated regularly to replicate famous Earthly courses to avoid any tedium and the need to travel.
Again the rather sceptical old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
St Peter again replied, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!You earned the right to all of this during your lives on Earth" St Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
St Peter explained, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.
St Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Sad News. (mayor of Erlenweg)

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

Way to go

Three convicted felons walked into a courtroom to hear their final sentence.
Finally, the judge arrived and sat down.
The courtroom fell silent.
The judge announced, "After much deliberation, I have decided to sentence the three of you to death.
However, one cannot ignore the impressive amount of volunteer work the three of you have accumulated in your community.
Therefore, I have decided to allow each of you to choose the way in which you die.

Mr. Smith, you are first; how would you like to die?"

Smith, claiming to have seen many types of death throughout his life, said, "I would like to be hanged.
I feel a hanging would be the most dignified way to die, given the circumstances."

The judge replied,
"Very well; I will schedule a hanging for June 23rd, three months from today.
Please sit.

Mr. Jones, in which way would you prefer to die?"

Mr. Jones replied, "I would like to die in front of a firing squad.
I believe that would be the most effective and painless way to die."

"So be it," replied the judge.
"Your death is scheduled for July the 9th.
You may have a seat.

And Mr.Brown, what is your decision?"

Brown had listened carefully to the previous two responces, and being quick on the uptake replied, "Well, all my life I have been poor, average looking, and generally unhappy.
With this being said, and barring any unforeseen illness, I would like to die of old age, filthy rich and surrounded by beautiful women on my very own private tropical island."

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity (for yourself and those around you)

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Work Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The A.T.M., Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13.. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Time to buy lunch from the deli??

Three depressed bricklayers, one English, one Scottish and one Irish -
were having lunch at the top of some scaffolding one day when the klaxon sounded to indicate lunchtime.

The English bricklayer opened his lunch box and discovered, much to his dismay, that he had spam sandwiches for lunch.

"Not spam again, I hate it. If I get spam sandwiches again tomorrow I swear I shall leap off the scaffolding and kill myself", he exclaimed.

"Count yourself lucky", replied the Scottish bricklayer, "I've got cheese sandwiches and I hate those.
I'll be jumping off with you if I get them again".

"Me too", said the Irishman, "I've got tuna and I really don't like fish.
If I have tuna again tomorrow I'll be following the pair of you."

The next day came around and the English bricklayer duly opened up his lunchbox to again see the dreaded spam sandwiches.

"Right, I'm serious," he announced, "this is the very last straw", and with that he threw himself off the scaffolding and plummeted to his death on the concrete below.

Next, the Scottish bricklayer opened his box to find it contained cheese sandwiches. The Scot was as good as his word and flung himself off the scaffolding to his death.

Finally, the Irish bricklayer discovered tuna sandwiches in his lunchbox, and he too leapt to his death on the pavement below.

The three funerals were held together a few days later, and the three widows got talking to each other.

"I wish my husband had talked to me about the situation, I'd have packed him something else if I realised he hated spam that much," said the widow of the English bricklayer.

"Yes, I'm amazed my husband didn't talk to me either.

I thought he liked cheese sandwiches when he actually hated them so much he was prepared to kill himself", replied the Scottish widow.

There was a pause and the two women looked towards the widow of the Irish bricklayer.

"Well, I don't understand it at all," the Irish widow chipped in, "My husband always packed his own lunch."

Diets and Dying

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than British, Australians or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Just can't satisfy some people (from mayor of Putridville)

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.
As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

MARRIAGE

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
************************************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'
*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,
' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back,
'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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God may have created man before woman, but there
Is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.