The Faith Healer

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes.
"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But it seems to be impossible. '
"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."
"You must tell me what you did."
"I went to a faith healer."
"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."
The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

SLEEPING PILLS

After her usual checkup, Ethel asked her doctor if she could have a prescription for birth control pills.
"Whaatt..." Stuttered the stunned doctor. "Your husband passed away last year.. And at sevent five years of age, you don't need to be taking birth control pills. Tell me.. What possible reason do you have?".
"I'm sure they would help me sleep." said Ethel
This really got the doctor thinking. Poor Ethel, She must be losing it.
"Now Ethel, Tell me how you think that birth control pills could possibly help you sleep?"
"Well, you see I got really lonely after George passed on, so my grand-daughter came to stay with me. And if I could slip one in her orange juice each morning I am sure I would sleep better at night."

A LITTLE RIB

Little Johnny goes to Sunday school every week, and he listens carefully to the teacher.
Being "Little Johnny", he always has lots of questions about what he has heard, and they keep his parents occupied for most of the following week with explanations.
This week the teacher had focussed on Genesis. The creation of God's wonders on Earth. This included the creation of human kind.
Little Johnny was especially taken on the story of the creation of Eve from the rib of Adam.
As you may well imagine, this generated a whole new set of questions for the long suffering parents.
After a particularly active afternoon in the backyard Mrs Johnny's Mother noticed Johnny lying on the ground clutching his side and in obvious pain.
She rushed outside and picked him up asking whatever was wrong.
Little Johnny looked up with tears in his eyes. " OWWWWW . Oh Mum.. I've gotta awful pain in here. (Indicating his side). D'ya think I'm gunna have a wife!"

Pray for Granny

The whole family had gathered together for a special celebration at Granny's house.
The table was spread with all the goodies that were Little Johnny's favourites and he just couldn't wait to dig right in.
And being Little Johnny, that is just what he proceeded to do.
Now this was not the thing to do and his mum stopped him and requested that he take time to offer a prayer before eating.
"Don't haf'ta" mumbled Little Johnny with his mouth full.
"Oh. Yes we do" said his mother. "You know at home we say a prayer before eating"
"Yeah Mum, But that's when we're at our house. This is Granny's house, And Granny knows how to cook."

MATHS HOMEWORK

Little Johnny is busily doing his homework, muttering to himself as he does it.
When he gets to his math homework his mother overhears him doing his additions "Seven plus five, that son of a bitch is twelve. Three plus five, that son of a bitch is eight."
"Hey Johnny. That is not a nice way to talk. What is all that talk about?" she said
Johnny mumbled, "I'm just doing my homework Mum."
"I am sure that is not the way you talk in class Johnny?" said Mum.
"Yeah Mum. This is the way the teacher says it." he answered.
Shocked, and a bit curious Johnny's mum takes him to school the next day, and calls the teacher aside to get an explanation. "Mrs Jones, What are you teaching the children in maths class?"
"Mainly we are covering simple addition". she replied "Why? You seem upset."
Johnny's mother asked, "And, as part of math, do you teach them to say things like five plus five, that son of a bitch is ten?"
Mrs Jones roared with laughter. It took a while before she could answer with, "What I taught them was, five plus five, the sum of which is ten. I can't imagine where he could have learned the other!!"

Bugs

  Little Johnny is not good at controlling his temper (or his curiosity or his tongue).
  While playing in the backyard on a sunny day some bees started to bother him and to stop them he started stomping on them.
   Little Johnny's dad wanted to stop him, but he wanted to teach him a lesson in the process. He explained..  "Little Johnny,  we get honey from the bees.  You should leave them alone.  So you understand, there will be no honey on your toast for one month".
  "Hmmmphh" said little Johnny.
    Later that afternoon, Johnny found some butterflies in the cabbage patch and, as before began catching and stomping on them.
  And again his father caught him.  A bit difficult as butterflies have no use and these were a pest, but he didn't want Johnny killing everthing in the yard, so"No butter for you for one month!"
"Double  Hmmmphh" said little Johnny.
  They then heard mum calling them to come in for dinner.  They  both headed inside to clean up.
From the kitchen they could hear the sounds of saucepans and plates clattering and a lot of thumping.  Pocking their heads around the door they were just in time to see mum squash a huge cockroach.
  Little Johnny smiled and looked at his dad..,"Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

Really with it dad..

Really with it dad..
Bobby parks out front of Susies house and bounces up and knocks on the door.
Bobby is excited as this is his first date with Susie. She is one heck of a good looker and one of the cheerleaders for his team.
Bobby is a pretty cool dude himself, He is wearing his best tight pants and high necked sweater.
Answering the door is Susies dad Harold who invites Bobby in to wait while Susie finishes getting dressed.
Harold asks Bobby where they are going.
Bobby replies politely they are heading out for a soda and may see a movie or go to the dance hall.
Harold smiles, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Bobby doesn't know how to respond to this. He stammers out "pardon?
"Yeah," says Harold, "Susie just loves to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes lit up. Now he knew where they would be heading for the evening. :0P
A few minutes later, Susie comes downstairs. She looks fantastic in her mini skirt and knee high boots and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Susie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT, DADDY! CAN'T YOU GET WITH IT!! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 1,

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 7,

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 6,

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.

Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 5,

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 4,

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.

She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 3,

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 2,

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

Kids At Christmas

A couple days after Christmas little Johnny's Mum was working in the kitchen while listening to her son play with his new electric train set.
Johnny sounded like he needed a sleep and the play was getting noisy and a bit rough.
She was about to head in to pop him off to bed for a nap when she heard the train stop.
OK, Now's a good time.
Then she heard Johnny yelling."Hey all you sons a bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop, before we turn round and go back
All of you waitin' to get on, get in gear and get on the train cause we're leaving".
Johnny's mum was shocked. The things they learn in play group. She looked at Johnny and said, "Johnny, That is not the way to speak. We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go into your room for two hours for a rest. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any more bad language."
Two hours later, the Johnny has had his sleep and feeling better. He comes out of his room and continues playing with his train.
Soon the train pulls back into the station and the mother hears "Attention, All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one.
For those of you who are boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat, There is no smoking except on the club car.
We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".
"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Catholic Scholls

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card..
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little
Zachary got an 'A' in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity..
She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no..
'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?
WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said,
'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

Take good care of me

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well , if something happens to me...
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'

Boys & Girls

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother "...please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So, Johnny’s mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

"OK, now take off my skirt..." And he takes off her skirt.

"Now, take off my bra..." Which he does.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties..."

And when Johnny finishes removing these, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!

What were you thinking?

Professional Parents

Little Johnny attends a ritzy private school in London.
One morning the teacher asked the children to stand up and tell the others what their father did for a living.

One by one the children complied.
All the typical answers came out, Doctor, Policeman, Lawyer, OIC, Member of Parliament, etc, but Little Johnny at the back seemed reluctant to join in.
Finally, when all the other children were finished, the teacher asked him about his father.

Little Johnny stood up and looked uncharacteristically embarrassed.
Looking at his feet he started...
“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club. He takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Johnny aside. This was a major revelation. Possibly notifiable.
He sat Johnny down and asked him if that was really true.

“No” said Johnny, “I made it all up.  He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say.”

Smartest Man (mayor of Sugarsweetlime)

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."