Men

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied,

"My wife told me to stand here".

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's House.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her Daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally Naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of Perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from Work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.
'Every time he sees me in this Dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she Undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, Dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
On the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, Sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

Bikie Tolerance

The old fellow is looking like he has a few too many already when he staggers into the biker pub in the town. This is one tough pub and most people cross the road to avoid it.
He wobbles to the bar and orders a beer, sits at the nearest table, then gazes around the room.
His bleary eyes settle on a table in the corner. Seated around it are three men.
He gets to his feet and staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says,
"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk.

Anything for love

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client.
The client out of the blue asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback.
However, she remembers what her boss told her,...don't reject the guy outright.
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions.
First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara."
"The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem!! I have. I have."
Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man,
"I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build."
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one.
She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea.
A sure-to-work condition.
She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly,
"Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.
"The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

Jesus is watching (Mayor of Ramadi Heights)

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."

Country Style

COUNTRY STYLE
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What’s country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."

Bear Hunt (mayor of Jotown)

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

Who is that? (mayor of Jotown)

After returning home from his honeymoon the husband notices a photo of a man on his new wife's bedside table. At first, he really didn't give it much thought; she had never mentioned it so why should he. But after a month or so he begins to stress about it. It was causing him so much anxiety that he finally decides ask about it.

"Is this your ex-husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Another boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery"

Great job ** X Rated **

The business trip was nearing the end and he decided to have a look around the city.
He had heard about the sights Sydney had to offer, but that was not quite what he was looking for this particular evening.
He had seen the amazing Opera House, and walked over the Sydney Harbour Bridge.
Tonight he was heading for "The Cross".
It didn't take long and he found what a wanted. Nice slim, long legged hooker.
"How much for a hand job?" he asks
"100 Bucks" relies the hooker with a gorgeous smile.
"WHAT!! 100 Bucks?? That's a lot of money"
The hooker smiled again "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs. I guarantee it'll be the best you've had."
He had made some pretty good sales this trip so gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.
The next day he finds her and asks "How much for a head job?"
"200 dollars" and again that smile. The smile alone makes his knees weak.
"200 dollars?? That's a lot of money"
She pointed down to the pier and said "See that yacht? I paid for that by giving head jobs."
Same deal. He gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life.
On hist last day in town he again goes to The Cross and finds the hooker in the same place. "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."
"10,000 dollars'
"10,000 dollars?? Now that's just too much."
This time she laughed, and pointed into the harbour "You see that island"
This time he is gob smacked.. YEAH he says.
"Well I got my eye on that Island, but first I need $10,000 to get me a pussy."

Girls on vacation (mayor of Sugarsweetlime)

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Carmen (mayor of Pie Corner)

The buxom blonde scanned the guests at a party until she noticed an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him shyly and said. "Hello,  My name is Carmen," .
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, and thinking he might have a chance here.  "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.  What's your name?" she asked.
He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf."

Four men went golfing. (Mayor of Putridville)

Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."

The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well.
His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

Work Wanted

A bloke goes into the employment office in Brisbane for a look through the job vacancies, which doesn't take him very long, of course.

Just as he's about to give up and go away, he spots something.

"Wanted", it says. "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $1,500 a week guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses."

Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so the bloke makes a note of the reference number and fronts up at the counter.

"I'd like to apply for this job", he says, "reference number E/784/B46-OP17372D2."

Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in Brisbane.
They're looking for a pubic hair snipper.
You see, they supply girls who model underwear and bathers, and before they go on the catwalk they report to you and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing.
It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks.
It involves quite a lot of travel - The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London, that sort of thing,
and you have to get used to living in first-class hotels........"

"I reckon I could learn to live with it," says the bloke. "I'd really like to apply for the job."

The clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application form and a bus ticket to Hervey Bay".

"Hervey Bay?" exclaims the bloke. "Hervey-Bloody-Bay?
What do I wanna go to Hervey Bay for?"

"Well", says the clerk, "that's where the end of the queue is at the moment."

Why women shouldn't take men shopping!!!!!!!

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:


Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store.
We can no longer tolerate this kind of behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1) June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2) July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3) July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4) July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5) August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6) August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7) August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other men he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8) August 23: When a clerk asked if he could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9) September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10) September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11) October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12) October 6: In the auto department,he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13) October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, He yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14) October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least,

15) October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
Tom Richards
Walmart Manager

Just can't satisfy some people (from mayor of Putridville)

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing.

"Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.

He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance.
As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

Blokes!!!!!

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday.
He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.'
'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island.
The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.
I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman.
'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron.
I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walk into the house, she says casually,
'It's not much but I call it home.
Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.
'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman.
'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,
'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.
Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism..
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias.
She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you
really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ..
He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
'Bloody hell (he really uses the other word) , don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'

Bird Brain

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since he could not come straight away, and she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike.
He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts.
It talked all the time, in the foulest language.
Constantly going on and on, its incessant yelling, cursing and name calling was appalling .
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

See - Men just don't listen!!!!