:)

:)

Betty wasn't sure what to get her husband for his birthday so she went to the General store to see if they could give any help
The salesmas asked about golf clubs.  "No, he doesn't play golf".said Betty
What about a new tennis racquet.  "No, he doesn't play." said Betty
What about fishing ?  "now youre talking" said Betty.  "He loves fishing"
So the salesman points Betty to the fishing section and leaves her to select something.
Betty picks the nicest looking pole in the place and takes it to the salesman.
Great choice" he says. "This pole is our best and it is $70."
Waiting while the fishing pole sale is put through, Betty suddenly needed to fart real bad.
With nowhere to go, she had no choice but let it loose.
The salesman looked up and said "  There you go ma'am.  It all comes up to $80."
Confused , Betty replied, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70."
He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."

Chili

WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.
Hysterics might set in. The writer of this piece paints a very vivid picture... funny stuff.
You will laugh - guaranteed! ENJOY!!

I went to Bunnings recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to mess yourself' road-kill chilli.
Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'.

Despite jalapeno peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Bunnings, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that
'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time..
The thing is, this pain was different.
The jalapenos in the chilli from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate..
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't.
I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',if you know what I mean.
With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region.
Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal explosion took place.

Luck was on my side.
Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.
He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.

I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chilli, so I consumed two more bowls.

The next day I went to shop at Woolies.
I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

Death in Fruit and Veg

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with an infamous underworld figure who went by the name of Artie.

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.00.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front.
The husband opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Supermarket.
There, he surprised her in the Fruit and Veg Department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the Manager of the Fruit and Veg department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the Manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's Security Guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:-

[You're going to hate me for this]




















"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT LOCAL SUPERMARKET"

Remember the Good Old Days

Three old ladies were sitting side by side reminiscing about their youth.
They had grown up in the local village and all had pretty much the same memories.
Same people, places, outings and special days.
They talked about trips to the beach, favourite recipes, old friends.
The talk (as is usual amongst women) got around to shopping.
But shopping was very different in their youth.
No huge supermarkets or Plazas. The weekly shop was done in the little local village General Store, Butcher, Baker etc.
Of course everything was bigger and better in those days.
And none of these fandangled Dollars and cents and Kilograms to grapple with.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

Cell phones (mayor of Jotown)

A man is in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone rings, he engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk....

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"

MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: How much?"

WOMAN: $60,000.

MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000."

WOMAN: "OK. This is surely my luckiest day. I love you! Honey"

MAN: "Bye, I love you too."

When he just hangs up, another man enters the locker room and asks the first man, "Have you seen my cell phone?"

Why women shouldn't take men shopping!!!!!!!

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:


Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store.
We can no longer tolerate this kind of behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1) June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2) July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3) July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4) July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5) August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6) August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7) August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other men he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8) August 23: When a clerk asked if he could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9) September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10) September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11) October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12) October 6: In the auto department,he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13) October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, He yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14) October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least,

15) October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
Tom Richards
Walmart Manager

TAKE IT BACK

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time.

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Some lengthy "discussion" followed

The clerk was quite clear on the matter.

No refund would be given in this case.

Suddenly, and quite animatedly, the woman threw her arms in the air and began screaming,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"

This certainly got the attention of other shoppers in the store..

The befuddled and very embarrassed clerk disappeared to get the store manager.

The manager arrives and assesses the situation.

The woman is standing placidly at the counter.

A collection of interested shoppers are lurking in the vicinity.

He walks up and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster.

He also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought the item on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms in the air and screams,

"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"

This draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, and trying to defuse the rather spectacular display as quickly as possible, the store manager pleads,

"Ma'am, Please stop, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman replies,

"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"

Amid loud applause her money was quickly refunded!!