Talking with God

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire straits. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray...........
"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue......................
"God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well"
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue..................
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A BLOODY TICKET.".

Sunday Evangelists

Bert and Ethel were spending a quiet Sunday at home watching telly. The footy had finished and neither could be bothered changing the channel when the latest TV Evangelist Show came on.
Bert wasn't into this stuff, but Ethel was soon entranced by the preacher and his slick words.
When he instructed those who wanted healing to touch the screen with one hand and the injured part with the other hand while he prayed, Ethel hobbled to the television, and placed one hand on the screen and the other on her arthritic knees.
Bert got out of his chair with an evil grin on his face, hobbled over, put one hand on the screen and the other on his crotch.
Ethel was not impressed. "Ya silly old coot" she said" "He said he could heal the sick... Not raise the dead."

Lemonade for the sinner

Betty has been feeling rather sinful of late and decides she needs to go to confession to clear the air.
She hesitantly goes into the confessional and says the usual, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
Father Joseph responds... "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
Betty lowers her head and whispers...   "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
Hmmmm, replies Father Joseph, "Return to your home immediately,  Squeeze the juice of 7 lemons into a glass.  Then drink the liquid until the glass is emptied."
Betty was not expecting this unusual response..  , "Thank you father..  Will this drink cleanse me of my sins?"
Father Joseph..., "No, but it will wipe that smile off your face."

Catholic Shampoo

Sister Agatha and Sister Martha are heading back to the nunnery after doing the grocery shopping.  As the walk along the busy street they pass a pub advertising a super special. 50% off a six pack of the beer of their choice.
Sr Agatha asked Sr Martha if she would like to add a six pack to the already heavy load of groceries the had. asked the other if she would like a beer.
Sr Martha agreed it would be very nice on such a hot day to sit down and relax when  they got home...  But added she was not at all comfortable with entering such a place and purchasing alchohol..
Sr Agatha smiled and said she was happy to do the buying.  She had a sure fire answer for any q's that may arise..
She walked straight in, selected a six pack from the refridgerator and took it to the cashier.

The cashier gave the nuns a surprised look and a raised eyebrow.
Sr Agatha just smiled and said, "We use it for washing our hair. It keeps it so soft and shiny."
Not missing a beat, the young lad behind the cash register reached under the counter and slid a package of pretzel sticks in with the beer.
"Cheers Sisters....The curlers are on me."

Local pub

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do you know this, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so."
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

HERPES

HERPES
Two Jewish women, Ruth and Golda, meet for lunch at their favourite Restaurant.
Ruth has some great news she want to share. "Golda" she says. "Golda, "My boy, Irving, He is finally to be married. He tells me he has found a wonderful girl at his university, They are engaged, But... He says he is worried. He thinks she may have a disease called Herpes."
Golda shakes her head. "Oh Ruth, This may be bad.. I do not know this Herpes. Do you know it? Can perhapd Irving get it?"
"No," Ruth answers, "But I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's engagement. It's past time he's settled. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "Don't worry for now. Let's enjoy our food, I have a very fine medical dictionary at home. I'll look for it and call you tonight."
So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth "Ruth, Aahhh kenahora (thank goodness!), I found it. Not to worry at all! It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"

YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU

Arthur was RICH. He had worked hard all his life and made a lot of money.
But Arthur was also very, very miserly.
The result of this was he had no family or friends to leave all the money to. And he didn't want to give his money to anyone, anyway. And now Arthur was old and dying. The doctors tell him there is not much time and he should put his affairs in order.
It is just not fair thought Arthur. Why can't I take it with me when i go to Heaven.
So Arthur began praying, and in his prayers he begged that he could take his riches with him.
After some time an angel hears his pleas and appears before Arthur and explains that it is against the rules, he can't take his money with him.
Arthur does not give up easily however. And he is not used to being told NO!
He implores the Angel to ask God if he can bend the rules, "Just a little.
Some time later the Angel returns with the message that God will allow one small suitcase only.
Arthur is overjoyed. He immediately goes to the bank and converts his account to as much gold bullion as he can fit in the suitcase. He returns home and keeps the suitcase beside his bed.
It is not long before Arthur dies and makes his way to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St Peter.
St Peter is a bit taken aback. No-one had ever arrived with a suitcase before.. "Hey there" He said. "You can't bring that in here. It's against the Rules"
Arthur explains and after a quick call St Peter is able to verify the story. Arthur is allowed one piece of "Carry-On luggage
But he tells Arthur that as it is very unusual, he needs to check the contents of the case, before allowing it through.
St. Peter carefully opened the suitcase. Wondering what had been so precious to Arthur he could not leave it behind. Then he closed it again in amazement. It take time before he could find words to speak.
"You are the first person to receive permission to bring something into Heaven. And you bring paving??!!"

7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 1,

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 7,

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 3,

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

7 reasons not to mess with children. Pt 2,

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

THE HAIRDRESSER'S WARNING...

THE HAIRDRESSER'S WARNING...
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome ... So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome'sTiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further.. I know that place.
Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman returned to the salon and waited quietly in reading until the hairdresser approached and asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class... The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the F#@% did your hair?"

Heel!

 Harold and Beryl are a good, God fearing, Christian couple.  They are regular church goers, and have raised their children to adulthood.
The house is feeling a bit empty now and they decide it is time to extend their family by adding a pet.
They had heard stories about owning an animal and were more than a little worried about how this may affect their lives.
Parrots were definately off the list.  They had heard about their "extended vocabulary."
Cats were no good: They had noisy night habits.
Rabbits,  Well nooo.  They tend to breed like..    Rabbits.
They wanted something that was fundamentally Christian.
They decided a dog would fit the bill.
So, off they went to a suitable companion.

They visited a few kennels and finally found a dog they liked quite a lot.
It was obedient, clean and very intelligent.  And the breeder assured them it was a good Christian animal.  He would demonstrate this to them.
When he asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.
When instructed to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.
Suitable impressed, they purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they invited some friends over for dinner and Harold proudly showed off the new dog and what he could do.
Unfortunately, the guests were not so easily pleased.  They wanted to know if it could do any normal, doggy tricks. 
The couple had not thought of that.  They had been so intent on finding a Christian dog they had forgotten about "sit" and "beg" etc.
But they were sure it would be okay.  The breeder had said he was trained and he did seem intelligent.
Harold started out slowly....
"Sit" had an immediate positive response.  "Lie down" went equally well.  "Beg" worked a treat, 
They were on a roll..
"Come" brought the dog quickly to Harold's side.
"Heel".. Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on Harold's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Men

When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied,

"My wife told me to stand here".

The Old Preacher and the frog

The Old Preacher was out fishing one afternoon when he heard a noise beside him. He looked down and saw a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, "Buddy, I've had a spell cast on me. If you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll make you happy for the rest of your life." The Old Preacher smiled, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. A little later, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing. The frog said to him again, this time with exasperation, "Buddy, I've had a spell cast on me. If you'll kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll make you happy for the rest of your life." The Old Preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. A little later he checked on the frog again. This time it said, "What's wrong with you, fella. I said I've been bewitched. Just kiss me and I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life." The Old Preacher just smiled and said, "Frog, I hate to tell you this, but at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!"

FIXING THE ROOF..

FIXING THE ROOF..

The pastor of the small village was getting desperate.
The church needed a new roof.
It had developed several bad leaks, and the small congregation was getting disgruntled about getting wet during the Sunday Service.
They had tried chook raffles, plant sales, vegetable stall at the local market and every other suggetion put forward but the roof fund was not progressing as fast as the roof deteriorated.
Following his usual service one Sunday he announced a new 'Raffle".
He knew the congregation enjoyed some of the new gospel songs they were hearing on the radio.
He would "raffle" the music for the next service. What an idea. The person who donated the most in the collection plate could choose their favourite three Hymns.
The Parish was small, but the landholders were quite wealthy. This might bring in a nice sum.
The offering plates were passed around. To his amazement, amongst the notes there was a cheque for $1.000.
Unable to contain his excitement he shared the wonderful news immediately, and asked details of the generous benefactor.
Expecting to see one of the rich landowners to make their way forward he was surprised when an elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raise her hand.
The pastor beckoned her to come forward, and she slowly she made her way towards him.
He then told her that because of her generousity he could now order the work to commence and they would soon have the wonderful new roof. He would make sure that her name would be placed on a plaque so every one would know she was responsible for it.
He then asked her to name her choice of three hymns.
Her eyes brightened and she stood up proudly as she looked out over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

JESUS & MOSES

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Seven Dwarves and the Pope

The 7 Dwarves decide to visit Rome, and because they are famous, the Pope grants them a special visit to the Vatican.
As usual, the others act discretely except Dopey, who seems to have something troubling him.
"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, What is the problem?"

"Excuse me your Excellency, but.. Are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" asks Dopey.
What an odd question, thinks the Pope " He scratches his head and takes a moment to think,"No, Dopey, I don't believe there are any dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope is really puzzled now. It is hardly a calling for a male, dwarf miner. He again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, I don't believe that there are any dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back, now looking desperate, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
"Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"

Catholic Scholls

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card..
He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little
Zachary got an 'A' in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity..
She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no..
'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?
WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said,
'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'