Catholic Shampoo

Sister Agatha and Sister Martha are heading back to the nunnery after doing the grocery shopping.  As the walk along the busy street they pass a pub advertising a super special. 50% off a six pack of the beer of their choice.
Sr Agatha asked Sr Martha if she would like to add a six pack to the already heavy load of groceries the had. asked the other if she would like a beer.
Sr Martha agreed it would be very nice on such a hot day to sit down and relax when  they got home...  But added she was not at all comfortable with entering such a place and purchasing alchohol..
Sr Agatha smiled and said she was happy to do the buying.  She had a sure fire answer for any q's that may arise..
She walked straight in, selected a six pack from the refridgerator and took it to the cashier.

The cashier gave the nuns a surprised look and a raised eyebrow.
Sr Agatha just smiled and said, "We use it for washing our hair. It keeps it so soft and shiny."
Not missing a beat, the young lad behind the cash register reached under the counter and slid a package of pretzel sticks in with the beer.
"Cheers Sisters....The curlers are on me."

SISTERS OF MERCY

Joe is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. Joe climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" Joe answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells Joe "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." Joe gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

Sisters of Mercy

A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying "Sisters of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 10 miles"

Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles."

Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit". His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent.

He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers "I saw your signs on the highway, are they for real?"

The nun answers "Yes", and tells him to give her $50 and follow her to a room.

He enters a room, and a second nun requests $50, and leads him to a door. Once he opnes the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun.

He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign, "Thank you for you contributions, you have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."

Nuns in the park (Mayor of Jotown)

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

Three Italian nuns

A terrible car accident takes the lives of three Italian nuns die and go all approach the Pearly Gates together.
At the Gates, St. Peter is waiting.
He greet them warmly and says, "Sisters, While you were on Earth you led such exemplary lives that God is granting you an extra six months of life.
That is six months on earth and be anyone you choose."
The first nun makes up her mind quickly , "I want to be Sophia Loren."
*Poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna"

*Poof* she disappears.
The last, more thoughtfully asks, "I would like to have my six months as Sarah Pipalini.."
St. Peter has never heard of this person (and St Peter knows every name). "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter .
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

THE GOLFING NUN.......

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior.
"I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister.
" And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try to play golf as often as we can.
You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed.
"So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister.
"In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
"You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother.
A 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life.
I creamed it.
The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother.
"How unfortunate!
But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister.
"While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister.
"And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"

Truth (mayor of Blackeburg)

A nun was walking home one evening when a man came up from behind and hauled her into the woods.
He quickly pulled off her clothes and had his way with her.
Looking quite pleased, he looked at her and asked "what are you going to tell Mother Superior?"
" I'm going to tell her the truth," she said.
" A man grabbed me, pulled me into the woods, and had his way with me..........Twice, if he's not too tired.."