MY PRIVATE PARTS DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

"Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Wallace.

"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace. "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

(You've gotta love this ....)

"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."

The Amazing Scotsman

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the same salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign (for the same circus) and the same sign that read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive… much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with the Scotsman, after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something.... You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

''Well laddie," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be."

The Piano Player (Mayor of Camorr)

One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar.
Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him; "What the hell is that?"
The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!"
The drunk replied, "You're pulling my leg."
So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man, grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammering out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons.
Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him?"
The guy told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it until a genie appeared, and was granted one wish.
The drunk runs out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish.
In a slur, the drunk asks, "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shitting all over him.
Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing, "You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks, and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit!"
The guy started laughing and said, "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist, do you?"

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

Nursing Home Cop

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall, an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding.
Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there.
Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again, he jumps out.
He's stark naked and has an erection!
The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh, no, not the Breathalyzer again!"

CHARLIE IS IN ROOM 233 (mayor of Putridville)

Charlie gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?'
Charlie replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'
'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?
‘I got a hundred dollar bill on my Dick,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust.
'Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick?'
'Well, I did it for four reasons”, says Charlie.
One, I like to watch my money grow
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'
Charlie is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

Bugs (Mayor of Marie Queen of All)

A man and his wife are driving down the highway having a fight over the
husband sleeping with another woman.
The wife takes out a knife and cuts of the mans penis and throws it out the window. The penis splats onto the windshield of the car that is following and rolls off.
The 14 year old girl riding with her dad says "What was that Dad?"
The father says "It was just a bug honey".
The daughter replies "Wow Dad, that bug sure had a big dick".

BIG BOOTS..

When they finally retired, Margaret and Bert moved to Texas.
It was time to relax and lay back and enjoy nature. They had earned it.
Bert secretly felt that a pair of authentic cowboy boots would just finish off the picture.
Then, seeing some on sale in town, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed,
'Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today,
It was hanging down yesterday,
It'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

"WOMEN" thought Bert.
No appreciation at all.

Furious, Bert yelled,
'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat...'

Big Problem (from Mayor of Putridville)

An old geezer goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh".

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient".

"OK then," says the old geezer, and he drops his trousers.

The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.

"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

The old geezer looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."