HORMONE THERAPY

HORMONE THERAPY
Dorothy has been having a few problems (in the bedroom) and her doctor prescribes testosterone, and books a follow up visit for 6 weeks time to see how things are going.
Dorothy fronts up at the appointed time and advises the doctor she is a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.  They seem to be having an adverse effect on her husband.
Further questioning reveals that the treatment has been very good for the reason it was prescribed, but Dorothy thinks that the  dose seems to be a bit high.  She tells the doctor....  "I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before."
The doctor is very reassuring.  He explains. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone.   Perhaps you could use some depilitory cream or similar.  Just where has this hair appeared?"
Dorothy replies,  a little embarassed "On my balls."

Doctor and Mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."

George and Harry

George and Harry
George and Harry are sitting quietly in the doctor's waiting room. It's a small town and every one knows every one. They start out trying not to catch the other's attention, but after a while George breaks the ice and asks Harry what he is there for,
Harry looks a bit sheepish and replies he is real worried, A red ring seems to have appeared around his 'pecker'.
George is taken a bit aback and admits he has a very similar problem. A green ring has appeared around his 'pecker'!
They chat away companionably about the weather and sheep prices etc. until Harry is called into the doctors rooms. The doctors examines Harry thoroughly and sends him home with good news. He will be fine in a few days.
On his way out Harry passes this information to George who then goes in with the doctor feeling very relieved.
The doctor asks George to remove his trousers and gives him a very thorough examination and then says" I am really sorry George. There is nothing we can do for you. Your 'pecker' is going to drop off, and then you are going to die.".
"OMG?? " Says George " It can't be true.!! You just told Harry he would be fine in a couple days. How can you tell me I'm gonna die?"
"I'm sorry George" said the doctor "But what you have to realise, There is a big difference between lipstick and gangrene.

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
FORGET THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

DOCTORS

A man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers.
They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they're both doctors.
After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman agrees. So they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room.
She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally, she goes into the bedroom And they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."
"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an anesthesiologist, aren't you?"
"Yeah," says the man, a bit taken aback. "How did you know?"
The woman answers, "I didn't feel a thing."

Take good care of me

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well , if something happens to me...
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'

Medication

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?'

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REPEATS'.

Smelling And Hearing

An elderly woman goes to the doctor.
She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time.
Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified.
For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.
The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week.
She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better.
I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage,now we'll have to work on your hearing."

MY PRIVATE PARTS DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.

Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,

"Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Wallace.

"My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.

He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.

Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace. "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.

"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

(You've gotta love this ....)

"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."

Four letter surgery

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm OK but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"

Blonde diet

A very overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor for help with her eating problem.
She explains she would like a diet that will actually work for her.
"I want you to eat normally for two days, skip a day. This is the routine I want you to follow. Come back to see me again in two weeks. By then you should have lost at least five pounds. Remember, Eat normally for two days and skip the next. Repeat the 3 days for the next two weeks."
The blonde goes home and faithfully follows the routine for two weeks.
The doctor cannot believe his eyes when he sees her again after two weeks, She has lost around 4 stone!!??
"What did you do asks the doctor? That's amazing, Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor.
"No," replies the blonde, "from skipping."

Comatose Woman (mayor of Putridville)

A woman is in a coma.

Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room.

The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

Smartest Man (mayor of Sugarsweetlime)

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer

A doctor, a lawyer and an engineer are regular golfing buddies.
They usually play on Saturday, but this week it is not possible so they change to Sunday and have to fit in with the normal Sunday players.
Things start out okay when they all meet at the specified time at the clubrooms, and the short walk to the first tee.
Then it starts to go downhill fast.
They are waiting at the first tee when they notice the foursome in front of them is made up completely of terrible players.
They miss the ball completely.
They hit into the rough and sand traps repeatedly.
And even at times walk into each other.
After fifteen minutes of waiting to tee off, they have had enough.
The doctor grabs the starter and asks, "Aren't you going to do something about this? These guys are slowing down the whole course!"
The starter replies, "Oh, those are the blind firemen.
They are regulars here, and always play at this time.
Last winter there was a terrible fire in the clubhouse.
These men responded and saved the building but in the process were blinded
by some unknown agent in the smoke.
As a token of appreciation the owner allows them to play for free."

After a pause the doctor said. "That's really horrible. You know, I have a friend who is the best ophthalmologist in the country. I'm sure he could examine these fine men to determine if anything can be done."

The lawyer said, "This sounds like a clear case of negligence on the contractor using hazardous materials. I will take up their cause immediately."

The ever practical engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Big Bang (supplied mayor of Perineum)

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation.
He decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said,
"When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try the doc's advice, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife naked in bed waiting for him.
As they began, the man felt the sudden urge to climax--so he fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
"How did it go?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

300% impotent (courtesy Mayor of Putridville)

A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."
She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine.
In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger."

Big Problem (from Mayor of Putridville)

An old geezer goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh".

The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient".

"OK then," says the old geezer, and he drops his trousers.

The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.

"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

The old geezer looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."