Pigs in the mud

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard he had decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM. loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will! I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not."

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Rooster

Jed decides to start raising chickens
He has around 200 hens and all is going well.
Plenty of eggs, The hens are getting clucky and just as things are looking hopeful, Jed's rooster just up and dies.
Well, What to do...
Jed checks the paper and tries the local notice boards but nothing available.
He finally hears of a guy named Hank from the next village.
Hank has a spare rooster he might be willing to sell.
Jed bundles himself into his pick-up and heads into the town. Asks directions, and eventually finds his way out to Hank's farm.
He finds Hank and "YEP.. I sure do have a rooster that should be able to do the job" he says. "His name is Jo-Boy. He'll be more than equal to the girls yah got back home."
Jed looks at the rooster. A pretty bird, Bright feathers and pretty active but it looks a bit scrawny. And Hank wants a lot of money for Jo-Boy.
After a bit of haggling, they agree on a price and Jed and Jo-Boy set off for home.
On the way, Jed sets to talking to the bird. Explains what is required of him. That there are a lot of girls, and he should start out slow, Don't over do things too early on.
You know the stuff. So, take your time and have some fun.
Jo-Boy seemed to understand. When they get home Jed points toward the hen house, and Jo-Boy is off like a shot.
- WHAM! - Jo-Boy nails every hen in the hen house - - three or four times.
Jed is really shocked. No wonder he was so scrawny looking!!
Then the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Jo-Boy is in there. Next, the farmer sees Jo-Boy after a flock of geese, down by the lake.
Again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Jo-Boy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught. He is worried that Jo-Boy won't even last 24 hours.

Unable to catch the rooster, the farmer finally goes to bed sure that Jo-Boy won't make it til morning.
He wakes up the next day and sure enough, he sees Jo-Boy dead in the middle of the yard.
Buzzards are circling overhead.

Poor Jed, distraught at the loss of such a pretty and expensive animal, shakes his head.
"Oh Jo-Boy, I told you to pace yourself.
I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself.? "

Jo-Boy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh, they're getting closer.....!!!"

Cost of flying

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

'$10 for 3 minutes,' replied the pilot.
'That's too much,' said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, 'I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10.'

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, 'I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.'

'Maybe so,' said the farmer, 'But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

Getting high

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...