DEAD COW

 Way out back, beyond the black stump live BillyJoe, MaryLou and their three sons, Jed, Otis and BubbaRay. Bubba has a few roos loose in the top paddock, but he's big and strong and good around the farm.
 As usual, MaryLou was out of bed first to cook breakfast for the family.  Glancing out the window she sees that Angel, their only cow is dead in the paddock. The situation looked hopeless -- how was she going to feed her family now?
Utterly depressed she went to the barn and hung herself.
 BillyJoe woke to find no food on the table, and both his wife and cow dead.  Unable to cope he went to the barn and shot himself in he head.
  Next to emerge was Jed, the eldest son. Horrified to find no breakfast, and discover his parents dead (and the cow!), he decided to drown himself. On the bank of the river he found a beautiful mermaid who said, "I see all. I know the reason for your despair. If you have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and cow to you."
 Jed agrees to try, but after three times is overcome by grief and hunger is unable to continue.
 The mermaid drowned him in the river.
  Next up was Otis. He was upset there was no food so he grabbed some bread and milk and headed out to the barn where he discovered the tradgedy, and he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid again said to him, "I see all. I know the reason for your despair. If you have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents, your brother and cow to you."
  Otis agrees to try, but after four times is overcome by grief and hunger  and is unable to continue.
 The mermaid also drowned him in the river.
   BubbaRay staggered down to the kitchen and finding the table bare cooked himself a big breakfast and headed outside.  As had been the case with the others he figures he may as well end it and heads down to the river finds the mermaid and hears the same story.
   BubbaRay replied, "Is that all? Why not ten times in a row?" (She is a good lookin' mermaid!!)
   The mermaid was somewhat taken aback.
  Then BubbaRay said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in arow?"
   "Enough!!" she said "Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then BubbaRay faltered..  He scratched his head..  He frowned..  He looked at the mermaid.. "Wait a bit..! How do I know that thirty times won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Redneck Murder

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION..

Fred is heading into town to pick up some supplies and attend the stock auctions to get some new stock.
Betty, his dipsy blonde wife is staying home to look after things while he is away.
Then the phone rings, and Victor the local vet is calling to tell Fred that he is coming out to inseminate the mare this afternoon.
Fred is worried. Betty is great in the "wife" department, but she is certainly mentally challenged in the farming area.
And this is important stuff. The vet charges like a wounded bull and he has been waiting ages to get this mare in foal. He just can't afford to delay, But he doesn't want to miss the sale either. There are a few good looking beasts being auctioned..
Fred takes Betty aside and explains what the vet is coming for and that he will mark the correct stall with a big nail in the door so they can easily tell which mare is to be serviced. She just needs to take the vet out to the stables and find the marked stall.
Betty seems to understand and Fred goes to town with his mind at rest.
Right on time the vet arrrives and Betty dutifully shows him the way to the stables and they walk together down the row of doors 'til she finds the one with the nail.
She points to the mare "That's the one" she tells the vet and turns to return to the house
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks. Betty shrugs "I guess its to hang up your pants."

BILLY-JOE & MABEL

Billy -Joe and Mabel want to add a bit of excitement to their lives and when they hear about a partner swapping party they decide to give it a try.
Unfotunately, they are a bit delayed along the way and arrive late to find the only couple not already "taken" are martians'.
But.. after a bit of talking they decide they may as well make the most of it.
After afew warm up drinks they pair off and each couple head out to find a nice place to' enjoy' themselves
Mabel and Gggreepp are getting along fine 'til they get their gear off. Mabel looks down with disappointment and comments "Well that's nice but it's kinda of short aint it?"
Gggreepp just smiled and patted his head. With each pat his penis got longer.
"Wow" said Mabel, "But it's not very fat is it?"
Gggreepp just reached up and pulled his ears. This time his penis got fatter and fatter.
Mabel had herself a ball and staggered home in the morning with a big smile on her face.
Billy-Joe was waiting in the kitchen munching on toast and looking pretty pleased with himself.
"How'd it go?" asked Mabel "I really enjoyed myself, I reckon we should do it regular."
Billy -Joe smiled "Yeah, It were great,. But I jest can't figure out why she kept patting my head and pulling my ears!"

PROBLEMS ON THE FARM..

A Qld farmer got in his ute and drove to the neighbours and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
'Is your Dad home'? the farmer asked.
'Sorry mate, he isn't' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your mum here'?
'No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Robbo? Is he here'?
'He went with Mum and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do for ya'? the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Robbo getting my daughter pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment.
'You would have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Robbo.'

Naked Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.
He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this? '
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....
'I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
‘We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.
‘Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
‘Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
‘Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy!!!!!!!!’
'And here I am.'

Blonde Men do exist

Jack Schitt

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my friends generous genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

HEALING

Ma and Pa were watching a religious program on television..

The Evangelist called to all who needed healing
Come to the television, Place one hand on the set.
The other hand should placed on the area requiring healing..

Ma hobbled slowly across the room and placed one hand on the TV and the other on her arthritic hip...

Pa made his way across the room, and like wise placed one hand on the set and the other on his crotch..

Ma was disgusted..
"You just don't get it do you?
You silly old coot..
The purpose of this is to heal the sick, Not raise the dead.....

Farmer and the Pretty Lady (Mayor of Dustbowl)

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a
short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The young lady said, "Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the friggen chickens!"

Eat grass (mayor of Dustbowl)

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered .
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.
'You'll really love my place.
'The grass is almost a foot high'

THINK ABOUT THIS ONE!

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage.

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.

The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses!"

Country Style

COUNTRY STYLE
A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What’s country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."

Good in Bed (courtesy Mayor of Putridville)

WHO’S WORSE IN BED?

An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast, when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop.

The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.

An elderly station attendant came to the car and started filling the fuel tank.

Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the man replied, "Very much."

"What'd he say?" asked the woman.

"He asked if I like the weather, and I told him 'yes'," replied her husband.

"Where are you-all headed," asked the attendant.
"Oh, we're going to Jacksonville," he replied.

"What'd he say?", asked the woman.
"He asked where we're going, and I told him to Jacksonville", the husband replied.

"Where are y'all from," inquired the attendant a few moments later.
"Oh, we're from Maine," the man replied.

"Ah, I was in Maine for two years while I was in the Air Force, replied the attendant. In fact, I dated a girl from Maine while I was there. It didn't last long though. I have to tell you, this girl was the worst in bed of any girl I ever knew."

"What'd he say?" inquired the woman.

"He said he thinks he knows you," replied her husband.

Bear Hunt (mayor of Jotown)

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

Fix the Outhouse Paw (Mayor of Putridville)

Maw is outside hangin' up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.

Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."

Paw says, "All right, Maw."

Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."

Paw says "I ain't puttin my head in that there hole!"

Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"

Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit mind ya) and he hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"

Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."

Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard's stuck in the cracks in the seat!"

Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"

Ghost Hick

A visiting professor at a University in Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
He looks around. The students are a motley collection. They don't appear the brightest lot he has lectured to, but he keeps an open mind.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I can see you take this seriously."
"Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
15 students raise their hands.
"Wow.. That's a great response. BUT.. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further..... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. Maybe he was mistaken. Perhaps this is where he should have been undertaking his research rather than in the city.
He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says,
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience. "
"The redneck student replies with a nod and a slow grin. He shyly makes his way up to the podium.
The professor waits patiently, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"

Country Cornwall

An American tourist is on holiday in a tiny Cornish village.
One morning, while out for a walk, he spots the village idiot sitting next to the horse trough.
In his hand is a dry old stick. Tied to the end of the stick is a daggy bit of string. The string is dangling in the murky water.
The American decides to have a bit of a laugh at the poor fellows expense, and asks: "Have you caught anything yet?"
The village idiot slowly lifts his head. He then looks carefully at the stranger, before replying: "Aye, you be the seventh today."

Pigs in the mud

A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard he had decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 AM. loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle they had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will! I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not."

The next morning they were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning the following week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."

Blonde Sheep Winner

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
She asked the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"
He replied "Sure!"
Out of the blue, she blurts out, "352!"
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep.
She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.
He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!"

Farming gals

After years on the family farm, Pa dies and leaves every thing to his two daughters.
One a buxom blonde, the other a brainy brunette.
The girls battle on, but things are not good and then,to make things impossible, the bull dies.
No bull means no calves to sell at market and no milk from the cows. This has to be remedied.
They sell up what they can manage without, getting $600.00 together, and the brunette hitches a ride to the town to try to buy a bull at the next sale. She tells her sister that she will contact her by telegram if she buys a bull. That way the blonde can stay on the farm with the truck until she needs to haul the bull home.
Things go well at the auction and the brunette manages to buy a bull. It is young and well endowed, but it cost $599.00.
This leaves just $1.00 to contact her sister.
She reaches the telegraph office and explains to the operator that she needs to send a telegram to her sister telling her to hitch up the trailer and come into town to pick up the bull.
The telegraph officer is totally unsympathetic to the situation. Telegrams are 99c per word.
No, she will not supply on credit, No she will not accept the girls watch as security.
That means all she can send is a one word message.
After few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

"OK" says the operator, "But how is that going to tell her that she needs to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde.
The word's big.
She'll read it very slowly ...
Com-for-da-bul.