The Amazing Scotsman

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy, and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the same salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign (for the same circus) and the same sign that read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'.

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive… much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with the Scotsman, after the show.

"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something.... You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

''Well laddie," said the Scot, "Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be."

English, Irish, Scotts. (mayor of Angelshood)

There's an Englishman an Irishman and a scottsman all in a hot air balloon.
The scottsman dropped a one pound coin and goes down after it.
When he gets there he finds a boy crying.
He asks, "Why Are You Crying?" and
The boy replies, "Because A One Pound Coin Hit Me On The Head."
The Irishman then drops a two pound coin and goes down after it.
When he does he sees a little girl crying.
He says,"Why Are You Crying?" and
The girl says, Because A Two Pound Coin Hit Me On The Head.
The English man dropped a bomb and he goes down after it, but, this time, he finds a boy LAUGHING.
he asks, "What happened, Why Are You Laughing?" and
the boy replies, "My Daddy Farted And The House Behind Him Blew Up!!"

Time to buy lunch from the deli??

Three depressed bricklayers, one English, one Scottish and one Irish -
were having lunch at the top of some scaffolding one day when the klaxon sounded to indicate lunchtime.

The English bricklayer opened his lunch box and discovered, much to his dismay, that he had spam sandwiches for lunch.

"Not spam again, I hate it. If I get spam sandwiches again tomorrow I swear I shall leap off the scaffolding and kill myself", he exclaimed.

"Count yourself lucky", replied the Scottish bricklayer, "I've got cheese sandwiches and I hate those.
I'll be jumping off with you if I get them again".

"Me too", said the Irishman, "I've got tuna and I really don't like fish.
If I have tuna again tomorrow I'll be following the pair of you."

The next day came around and the English bricklayer duly opened up his lunchbox to again see the dreaded spam sandwiches.

"Right, I'm serious," he announced, "this is the very last straw", and with that he threw himself off the scaffolding and plummeted to his death on the concrete below.

Next, the Scottish bricklayer opened his box to find it contained cheese sandwiches. The Scot was as good as his word and flung himself off the scaffolding to his death.

Finally, the Irish bricklayer discovered tuna sandwiches in his lunchbox, and he too leapt to his death on the pavement below.

The three funerals were held together a few days later, and the three widows got talking to each other.

"I wish my husband had talked to me about the situation, I'd have packed him something else if I realised he hated spam that much," said the widow of the English bricklayer.

"Yes, I'm amazed my husband didn't talk to me either.

I thought he liked cheese sandwiches when he actually hated them so much he was prepared to kill himself", replied the Scottish widow.

There was a pause and the two women looked towards the widow of the Irish bricklayer.

"Well, I don't understand it at all," the Irish widow chipped in, "My husband always packed his own lunch."