Whoops..

.
A young guy was struggling to get onto the train with three very upset babies.
All were fussy and one screaming
Everyone onboard was staring and wondering why he had bothered to come out with them all if the were always like this. He obviously had no idea on what to do to calm them.
So inconvenient and he was delaying the train.
The other occupants were all muttering among themselves.
But looking closer the babies alll looked quite different and none looked like the "dad".
The were obviously different nationalities.???
Finally one woman couldn't contain her curiousity and inquired -" Do all these babies belong to you?"
The young man frowned and replied... " No, I work in a condom factory and these are customers’ complaints. "

Rubber Factory

George is looking for a new job and he applies at the local rubber and latex product manufacturing plant. The boss thinks he may be suitable and takes him on a tour of the huge factory
The first machine he is shown manufactures rubber gloves. As each glove is created there is a loud high pitched Hisssss, Hisssss, Hisssss, sound.
George asks about this and is told it is the latex injection process that uses compresssed air to create the thin layer of latex within the mold
The next machine is making thousands of baby-bottle nipples. This machine makes a rapid Hiss-Pop, Hiss-Pop, Hiss-Pop, noise.
"As before, the hiss is the latex being injected into the mold," explains the guide.
"The popping sound that follows is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
They wander past many more machines, each with its own unique sound and the guide explains the processes used that make the item, and the noises.
Finally they reach the machine where condoms are manufactured.
The machine makes a noise: Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss, Hiss-Pop!
George frowns. "I understand about the hiss, hiss is, but what's that pop every so often?"
"Oh, that's like the nipple machine," says the boss. "It makes a tiny hole in every fourth condom."
George is horrified.. "I can't see how that can be good for the condom!"
The boss smiles and replies "We know that, but it keep up our business for the baby-bottle nipple machine"

CONDOMS

A man and his 8YO boy go into a chemist shop and happen to walk by the condom display.
The boy asks,"What are these, Dad?"
The man replies, "Son, They are called condoms. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh.. Right..," replied the boy pensively. "Yeah, I've heard of that at school. in health class. "
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? "
The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!"
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March....etc."

Hiss-plop, hiss-plop,

Shortly after being hired, a new shift manager was being shown around the state -of-the art factory.
The major business was production and supply of various "medical quality" latex products.
The company had a reputation for using the latest cutting edge technology.

The first area they viewed made latex gloves, like those worn by surgeons. The machinery made a curious "hiss-plop, hiss-plop, hiss-plop" sound.
The employee asked about the strange sound and was told by the guide that, "as the rubber rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise.” The plop is the sound as the completed glove falls onto the conveyor belt prior to packaging.

The next area is making baby bottle teats. Here the machine makes a loud “hiss-pop-plop, hiss-pop-plop, hiss-pop-plop, ” noise, and the shift manager asks his tour guide what it’s doing. “The popping sound is from needle making the tiny hole in the nipple.”

On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a “hiss-plop,. hiss-plop,. hiss-plop,. hiss-pop-plop,” sound during the manufacturing process. “Wait a second,” the future shift manager says, “I know what the hiss-plop, hiss-plop, is… but what’s with the ‘pop’ noise every once in a while?”

“Oh, that hehe. It’s the same as the baby bottle nipple process.” says the guide… “It pokes a hole in the occasional condom.”

“But that can’t be good for the condoms!” the horrified new emloyee commented.

“Nah, but it’s really good for the baby bottle nipple business!”

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity (for yourself and those around you)

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Work Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The A.T.M., Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13.. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Why women shouldn't take men shopping!!!!!!!

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - - she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:


Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store.
We can no longer tolerate this kind of behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1) June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2) July 2 : Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3) July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4) July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5) August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6) August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7) August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other men he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8) August 23: When a clerk asked if he could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9) September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10) September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11) October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12) October 6: In the auto department,he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13) October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, He yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14) October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least,

15) October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Regards,
Tom Richards
Walmart Manager