MATHS ( from the mayor of Camorr)
A math professor was explaining a particularly complicated calculus concept to his class when a frustrated pre-med student interrupts him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the pre-med blurts out.
The professor pauses, and answers matter-of-factly: "Because math saves lives."
"How?" demanded the student. "How on Earth does calculus save lives?"
"Because," replied the professor, "it keeps certain people out of medical school."
THE KNOB ( from the mayor of Putridville)
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems.
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said,
'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
The Duckhunter (Mayor of Blackeberg)
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.....
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.
Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... Shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news..
The good news is that you are going to be OK.
The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'
'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.
'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis.
I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'
'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied.
'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'
'Not exactly.' answered the doctor.
'She's a flute player in the Syracuse Symphony.
She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye.'
WHO’S THE FATHER ( from the mayor of Putridville)
A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As it made its appearance it was dark and had an afro.
The doctor said, "Ma'am, have you ever slept with a black man?"
She said, "Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.
Then the torso appeared and it was yellow.
"Ma'am, have you ever slept with an Asian man?" the doctor asked.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs appeared they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with a Native American and she said, "only once," and he replied that that was all it took.
Then the doctor held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry.
"Oh, thank God," she exclaimed "at least it doesn't bark!"
The Campout (supplied by the Mayor of Stahlman)
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was the second guy's turn.
In the morning, same thing -- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said, "Man what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof.
I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn.
Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning," he said.
The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake.
They asked, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night.
Daryl sat up and watched me all night."
From Mayor of Upson Downs.
Bathing Blonde
Joanne read in Vogue magazine that a milk bath does wonders for your skin.
So she wrote a note asking the milkman to leave 100 bottles of milk for her next delivery.
Eddie, the milkman, saw the note, and thought there must be an error in the number of zeros.
Therefore he knocked on the door and asked Joanne, to clarify the order.
Joanne confirmed that she wants 100 bottles to fill her bath.
The milkman then asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized'
Joanne replied 'No, just up to my neck'.
Dear Dogs and Cats: (supplied by Bren)
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Racing me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed..
I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!
If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.
I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals.
To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..
THE QUEEN’S CHASTITY BELT (supplied by Bren)
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation.
It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed,
"Look at this opening.
How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin.
He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway.
He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch.
"Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way.
All of them, except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur.
"You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me.
What is it in my power to grant you?
Name it and it is yours."
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
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